Good morning!
Inside myself, the ’tone’ of my own enquiry has shifted. As I move from what I know or have known, to what I know I don’t know, there is a sense of being set adrift in a weightless environment. Perhaps this is what a walk in space might feel like.
I am more present to the moment; more in the ’now’ as I release myself from searching and just wait…. for the thoughts to pass by; invitations for me to consider rather than ’trying’ to figure it out or understand it. In that, I realize that the largest context that I will ever find/know/discover/claim is that I AM. Way down at the bottom of that spiral – as the tiny speck in space/time that I have chosen and from which to express – when I remember that I AM the Void, the weightlessness comes.
In the moment. Being and observing it all, at the same time. No external references – past or future. Just the now, the very thing that we have been so meticulously trained to never notice.
I am noticing that my thoughts are so fleeting. I have one; something moves through me and I am changed; and in that short time, it is gone. The things that compartmentalize and divide in my physical world (i.e. what day it is – and when that is claimed, the underlying meaning is that time/space can be labelled; and that if it is X, it cannot be anything other than X, etc.) lose meaning, more and more. Does it really matter if it’s Monday or Saturday? Perhaps what really matters is how I am choosing to live.
I am also noticing that the further I stray from the group-speak and accepted parameters of what matters in a collective, the stranger I sound! Funny how that happens…. Perhaps we are all strange.
Having spent so much of my adult life capturing the moments of my own evolution to generalize for others, I am aware that I am no longer doing that. My thoughts are my own, for me. If witnessed and they matter to another, great. If not, equally great. What matters most, is: am I paying attention?
It is different for me to share what remains (as this process is/has been for me with all of you) than it is to think in order to generalize and share. Once, it was all about the world and others. Now, it is all about me.
I know that I am removing myself, more and more. Oddly, in a world where the story is that hanging on to defining ourselves is what matters most, what I have experienced is that allowing those boundaries to soften and disappear into a larger ’no thing’ has been and is much more meaningful, relevant and potent in making the moment compelling.
Today, I am mindful of consumption. The consumption of thoughts and ideas. The consumption of consciousness. What thoughts am I buying? My own or those of another? What ideas am I choosing to pick off the shelf and take home with me, allowing them to infiltrate my day-to-day expression . How much of my consumption of consciousness emerges from within me and how much swirls around me, waiting for me to select and quiet the chaos?
Today, I am aware of and present to noticing the degree to which external references continue to infiltrate my patterns of consumption. As I move through my day, mine is to notice how many of my thoughts…. my musings…. are in some way connected to yesterday or tomorrow; to a story long told or a dream yet unmanifested. How often does the voice of another penetrate my wonderings about my world; and how frequently are those thoughts about my world ‘out there’ rather than my world ‘in here’.
Imagine a life/reality/day without any external references. Neither guided, influenced nor over-ridden by external references…. things outside the ’now’ moment, as revealed by inner cues.
No references to history.
No story of or from the past.
No rules by which to define my future.
No expectations of others to skew my mindfulness.
No emotions of others to redirect.
No rules/regulations/dogma.
What does a life of internal referencing look like? Sound like? And do we notice? Do we notice the degree to which we are directed and redirected by the overt and subtle influences? Do we have a capacity to calibrate for them? We have been trained not to notice. Might we ’train’ ourselves, differently?
Something is going on inside me that is a reflection of what has not yet occurred. I was about to write that my physical body is tied to this physical world…. and yet, I am not so sure about that. “World’ is a vibration and nothing more. When I do/be/think within the confines of matter, I am tied to matter. When I do/be/think outside the confines of space/time, I am tied to nothing; free to take whatever form is meaningful and relevant, in the moment
It seems to always come back to that simple notion of ‘in the moment’. Consuming consciousness in that vast, expansive and forever moment. Our children, more than any other, live easily and naturally ‘in the moment’ until we teach them otherwise. Until we insist they look outside themselves for guidance and direction; look to another to determine their next choice; and look back to anticipate the future. We train them into that which we have ourselves, been trained…. and has now come to shape who we are.
Each of you, in what you have so generously shared in the offering of your own internal truths/discoveries, has paved the way for me to arrive in this moment. I remember the moment, oh-so-long-ago, when I told my mother (as she chastised me for yet another ‘failed’ marriage) that if I were ever going to have a ’successful relationship’, I would first have to divorce myself from her. It changed our lives…. and not in any ways that either of us might have anticipated. The power was in the freedom to be honest; to dare to despair in each of us not fulfilling the unlived/unexpressed dreams of the other. In that moment, the door opened for us to be unique and authentic, with each other. A dance of equals rather than a dance of mother/daughter. She, free of the burden of having to shape me; and me, free of the burden of having to adapt to being shaped by another.
So today, I simply notice. How much/how often that which is other than my Self creeps into my consumption of my own consciousness and numbs me to magnificence; redirects me to settling for a ‘reality’ of caring/responding/acclimating to any and all things other than Self. In this moment, I am so aware of the great, organized and ancient effort to ensure that I pay attention to anything BUT my Self.
Today, perhaps you will notice, too.
Louise
Day 8
“In that moment, the door opened for us to be unique and authentic, with
each other. A dance of equals rather than a dance of mother/daughter. She,
free of the burden of having to shape me; and me, free of the burden of
having to adapt to being shaped by another.”
That paragraph, by Louise, sparked an ‘Aha’ moment within me. I could feel
a shift. I have been saying this (in my own unique way) for some time, but
this helped bring it into a clearer focus. I have been trying to integrate
the wisdom of ‘being equal’ into my experience. I like to say that my mom
and I are both ‘children’ of God; one and the same. No one person is more
than, or less than, another. Some are just better at opening themselves up
so the ‘moment’ can move through them; some are more open to ‘not knowing’
what the best way is; they are open to allowing their soul to ‘feel’ the
right answer, rather than looking to their intellect to make sense of what
we were never supposed to know from an intellectual level.
My husband and I are part of a blended family. Talk about teachers. We
have a lot of them. I have three grown children, and seven grandchildren;
while Barry has two grown children, and three grandchildren. Blending our
families has been quite the trip. His children showed up with their many
suitcases. The past ‘stories’ (on both sides) have paved the way for
fourteen years of more stories.
My children, and myself, had a lot of baggage, as well. I felt a
(codependent) sense of responsibility for the way everyone’s life was
turning out. I realized (over the last year especially) that a lot of what
I do/ have done, as it pertains to my children, and Barry’s children, was
because I wanted to be perceived in a certain way. I had roles that I took
very seriously (step-mother, mother, smart, pretty, kind, generous, smoke
up their ass blower…etc). I did things that I did not want to do (REALLY
did not want to do), with a fake smile plastered on my face. I did this
because I had low self-esteem. I just wanted (so badly) to fit in, and be
embraced by the new clan. I thought if that were to happen, I would feel
good about myself, finally. Of course, that never did happen.
It had been my pattern to try to gain a sense of who I am though my
external world. It never occurred to me (until recently) that I would gain
a sense of who I was by shedding those masks, and by becoming honest.
There was always this HUMONGOUS elephant in the room. That I thought that
living with that elephant was more appealing that calling it out, is
ridiculous.
Last night a friend was over, and we talked about masks. I had a fleeting
thought that I have even worn masks over my masks. It made sense to me in
the moment, but it has become like a wispy ghost, now. It is hard for me
to capture the essence of what was clear in the moment. Inspiration works
that way. The trickster likes to scramble my thoughts if I don’t seize the
gift, right away. But, it had something to do with my childhood. I had a
tough one, for sure, but the thought was that I wear modern day masks to
cover up the historical ones, that I wore as a child.
Let me try and explain. I got cues from my external surroundings as a
child, mostly from my family, and these cues dictated the ‘Jeanette’ that
would work best for me. I got the most kudos for being funny. So even
though, as a child, I was in a perpetual state of fear, I learned to be
funny (first contradiction…and I still laugh when I tell stories about
my past that should more appropriately accompany tears). I learned to
distance my image of myself from my feelings (soul), and tried to be the
kind of ‘Jeanette’ that would help me feel like I fit in, and belonged;
the kind of ‘Jeanette’ that would help me feel like I was enough, that I
was loved. So, I became an actor. I was a chameleon with no sense of Self.
As I grew up, I learned to wear masks over my old out-dated masks. I took
counselling courses, studied child and youth care, and took psychology
courses, and I started talking psychology lingo. I wanted to ‘look’ like I
was a ‘healthy’ person. But there was so much anxiety under those masks
that had not been dealt with; many triggers. My happy/funny mask, and my
‘I am so clever and educated’ mask; neither worked for me. I never felt
happy, I never felt smart, and I NEVER fit in. And, worse, I wanted to be
just like all those other superficial, mask-wearing people, that I so
admired.
I find myself at a place, now, where I want to rip all the masks off, and
just stand naked before the world. I want to show up as the bare material
of humanity. It is in considering the layers of all the masks that I have
worn, that I can begin to consider the masks others have also worn, and
develop some compassion for others. My mother (whom I did not talk to for
ten years) and myself find ourselves in this really cool place now; a
place where we are no longer mother and daughter. In a way we are both
crones. I never EVER thought I would consider myself to be a crone
(perhaps I will talk about the women of Chernobyl…speaking of the
environment, our souls and survival of the happiest!). But, it feels good
and right to be taking off those masks (the mother mask, the daughter
mask, the happy mask, the beauty mask, the smart mask, the aware mask, the
enlightened mask…etc.) so we can just ‘be’ children of God; like
sisters. Yes, my mother and I have become like sisters. I am grateful for
this. By beginning to reject the masks, my mother and I are learning how
to embrace the opportunities that we can only discover through being
soul-bare and vulnerable. I no longer want kudos from others. I get how
complements manipulate, now. They tell us the role others want us to play.
And I don’t want to be fake and superficial anymore. I want to Love and be
Love (no, there is not supposed to be a ‘d’ on the end of Love), instead.
Love,
Jeanette
WOW! Your enquiry and words captured a knowing and curiosity from deep within, Louise. A Big YES to those finer distinctions and depth of enquiry.
How much/how often that which is other than my Self creeps into my consumption of my own consciousness and numbs me to magnificence; redirects me to settling for a ‘reality’ of caring/responding/acclimating to any and all things other than Self. In this moment, I am so aware of the great, organized and ancient effort to ensure that I pay attention to anything BUT my Self.
For me paying attention to myself has required first that I redefine Who and What I Am? Second it has required owning the landscape of my body, which has demanded I acknowledge my history – and invite myself to know myself outside of it; and Thirdly it has required I acknowledge and own I am not my body at all. Such simplicity such complexity and all it requires is a breath willingness to look at the context from which I live.
I’m not there yet – there are moments when I am. When I am trust with the I AM that I AM. For me it has been a journey where the rules constantly change – wait a minute there are no rules until I confine myself to those boundaries.
The density through which my intellect and body wants to grasp is unbelievable and requires a constant attention and commitment to not only owning what moves inside me yet to ask and let the bigger questions manifest. It requires a sense of safety in the I AM that I Am – it requires a sense of internal safety to follow the impulses when nothing make logical sense – it requires living the mystery.
I am also discovering at a deeper level that it requires a sense of safety in the morphing expression as I step more fully into the Expression of Who I AM becoming. As my expression does not stay the same, there is the core of me, and there is them the unveiling of what is meaningful to bring into the world in this moment. Internal Safety is the on-going attunement of Spirit in tissue. Safety in the expression of knowing the Essence of me extends far beyond my body – and in fact is the reality field that generates all of my experiences I see, feel, touch, image and create/birth through this perceptual device.
So what if now I invited Thought to be the manifesto of all my creations in my life? What if the thoughts Were new thoughts taking shape as I claimed my truth in each delicious moment embodied in this precious quantum device.
Sided note: As I write this I am not even sure I understand my own words streaming. Breathing is good.
It has taken me seven ++ years to trust that I am more than my body; that I am safe expressing my unique expression through this vehicle; and that the I AM is deeply connected to Whole/the VOID/ Consciousness/Universe. What makes a difference is that I invite and allow the Conscious thoughts/expression to stream through the device, making it visible here – that is a way of being. A new way of the manifesting off the wheel of history, no guidepost, no story.
I feel like I am entering into a realm of where I have no words to explain what I know – and yet continuing to type and share is my gateway in this moment. To be in the rambling thoughts, the confusion and the great discovery of where will I lead myself next.
I have gained a deep safety in a process of manifesting. My manifestations have been perfect to date – and have been enticed from small intentions – big enough at a time to propel me forward into self-evolution. I know I stand within and beyond the dance of self; My hunger is great and so is my calling… to move beyond what is initiated from the history that lives in my body; to move beyond the dance of subtle awareness, an irritation, or massive confusion, that then leads to the willingness to soften into my body, my familiar thoughts dissipating as Quantum TLC unfolds – and the I AM touches transforms tissue.
This dance of pulsing within inviting the I Am to descend – has been safe. It has also confined that which I have created already. It’s been a good life, an exhilarating way – and yet still tethered to the initiation of new creation is the enmeshment of the wave of the past unfolding into the now. Is this necessary for the history evoked to always lead the way?
In a great conversation with a wise friend – this morning – I recognize YES, once again the I AM that I AM – hungers for a new emergence, a new attunement, a new way of manifesting that is not tied to the past or present.
Many of your words ignited a ferocity within for this journey to continue – as I reread your words Louise in the hopes of further clarity of all that is moving these popped again for me.
I am tied to matter. When I do/be/think outside the confines of space/time, I am tied to nothing; free to take whatever form is meaningful and relevant, in the moment.
I’m a place that is somewhat familiar where excitement and the anticipation for the more is palpable. I’ve had wave after wave this morning more of owning my WHOLENESS – more of hearing my own thoughts first, more of allowing the only reference point to be what calls deep inside, with eyes wide open to the expressions on my holodeck – and a deep willingness to engage the process as it continues to unfold.
More thoughts will flow I know as – I invite the space to breathe will possibilities, of safety within the transition and a willingness to know the dance of the Spirit-body-mind far extends what capacity lies within.
Mahalo
I woke up early again this morning and walked the dogs at sacred Hidden Grove. It was a relatively peaceful morning. I did my best to focus on the sounds and silence of nature. The endless man sounds are so pervasive—the float planes and the mountain rape that now feels like permanent ringing in my ears. I push them out of my consciousness to be more present with the dogs and the natural world. I consciously pulled nature into my awareness. I’m present to it all. I was curious to see if I can shift my awareness. I’m not very good at tuning things out. I’m actually grateful for this. I want to be present for it all. I want to see, hear, smell, feel it all. I want to know truth. I want to know the dark and the light. I don’t want to pretend that it doesn’t exist. I don’t want to numb out what hurts. If I numb out what hurts, I numb out what doesn’t hurt. If I numb out what causes pain, I numb out what causes joy. If I pretend that one doesn’t exist, the other doesn’t either.
As I walked down one of the many trails, my eyes caught a glimpse of something. I looked over to see a beautiful barred owl peacefully perched on a tree stump. I instantly felt my body relax. I felt humbled in the presence of this magnificent being. I felt the wisdom of the forest…of Gaea moving through this being. I was awestruck. I stopped and stared…mesmerized, pulled towards the peaceful magnificence of this being. She looked at me and we made eye contact for what felt like an extended period of time. I felt tears welling up. No content needed. There was a deeper knowing…a Gaea knowing. The spell subsided and I moved on. I was impacted by this connection for the rest of the hike.
We are all connected. When I look into the eyes of any living being, I remember on a deep level. The eyes are the window to the soul. Humans tend to avoid looking into each others eyes. We avoid looking into the eyes of those we label, “other”. I’ve had the most profound experiences looking into the eyes of strangers in workshops. I’ve experienced powerful connections looking into the eyes of animals. In my experience, there’s nothing more beautiful than looking into the eyes of a being once abused or commoditized by our culture and seeing the return of love and trust…feeling a connection so intimate that I lose track of where I end and they begin.
I love life so much. I don’t understand why I remember this love and connection and the masses don’t. This has been a source of great pain for me all of my life—since I was a very small girl.
That little owl touched me deeply, just as all animals do. We are all souls on a finite embodied journey on this planet. I wonder…the cultural coma that severs this knowing…why…for what? Why does it never change? I will never, ever know.
As I finished my hike, I approached the car holding both the heaviness of sadness and the levity of excitement. Sadness as I let go and say my goodbye’s to the sacred places I’ve grown to love on the coast. Levity for the excitement of something new. I’ve always loved change.
There really is something to the wise owl adage. I could feel it. It’s still with me. It was peaceful, yet steadfast. Her presence grounded me…helped me move through my sadness. I feel even more solid in my choice to leave the coast. I realize that every choice I make has future consequences, so the question I repeatedly ask myself is, “how do I want to live my life?” How do I remedy the choices of the past that no longer work for the life I’m meant to live now? My passion for life offers me creative solutions that pave the path for what is more authentic for me NOW. There is always uncertainty with change. The most important question for me now is, do I trust mySelf? When I derail, I fall into fear. When I’m in fear, I revert to old patterns that do nothing but ensure that I repeat the past. As Einstein said, “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
I’m breathing into the uncertainty of change and allowing the sadness and excitement to unfold as they may.
Deb
How much of my life is still directed from the outside? This is what I am left thinking about after reading Louise’s message. It has been a long day, I am tired and perhaps that is a good thing as I know my mind is sleepy and perhaps will interfere less with what I type. I am fascinated by the idea that we have been trained to not notice the subtle external cues that guide us in our daily choices. This feels to me like the difference between those that are awaking and those that are asleep. The awakening crowd is starting to notice that someone pulled the wool over their eyes and they don’t like the blurry vision that results.
After years of pushing aside and in some cases railing against the most obvious of those external cues on how to live I wonder about the small still invisible cues from the outside that blindly lead me around. Makes me think of the idea of a tree falling in the forest. If I am not tuned into the frequency of the messages they will forever have their silent grip on me as I wonder why there is still struggle in my life. How do I hear them, well perhaps I just focus on the places I feel struggle and look to see what’s there.
I don’t feel a lot of struggle in my life and for that I am deeply grateful. The one are is remains the strongest is around financial success. I still hear the message loud and clear from the outside that my personal worth can be measure by my financial worth. I hear the message that I “need” x amount of dollars flowing in to survive. It has softened but it is still there.
I also have some struggle with body image. If I were thinner I would be happier, more successful, more well liked etc, etc.…fill in the blank. This has softened too, thank dog. It remains though, the message that I can never be thin enough remains loud and clear.
There is no life in struggle. There is no life in the messages from the outside.
Inside myself I KNOW I have every resource I could ever ask for. A safe, warm, clean home. A loving, supportive, and completely awesome partner, the sweetest fur kids around, food in the fridge, a strong and healthy body, a fierce desire to be the best version of myself possible. And on and on…
So I choose the internal messages more and more and more. And I watch how that plays out in real time. I watch how comfortable I felt shooting 3 TV shows today…my ease of being as I shared my experience and recipes with the camera and crew. I observed my special guest chef today on one of the shows come in so nervous and relax so beautifully once we got working together. I saw how my ease of being was contagious. This is my new life…which looks very different than my old life.
There is no life in struggle and this very simple statement will keep me looking for the clues that show me where I am a slave to the external world so I can course correct and deepen my ease more and more over time.
I love that in the past I would have deleted half of what I just typed…worried I would be judged for being proud of myself and for acknowledging my successes. I won’t delete any of it because I have worked FUCKING hard to get here and I am proud and I am pleased and that comes from deep within so I know its right, I know its real and that is a beautiful place to be.
Thanks,
Deb
On Sunday, I spent an amazing day hosting a marvellous conversation – an Introduction to 21st Century Huna™ – with 7 wonderful women. At the end of my day, I sat down at my computer to read Louise’s provocation and the comments for Day 7. It was all I could do to read, so great was my fatigue. The words kept falling off the page. I closed my computer and entered into a deep sleep.
This morning, I was engaged in the process of BSI (BodySpirit Integration) with my husband. As I moved, in silence, through the process, new insights revealed themselves to me… not the least of which was that my own mother left this plane when I was 46 years old… and, today, was the first time that I allowed myself to know and own that, indeed, after more than 24 years, I have still missed her. Whatever that was, denied and now revealed, has freed me of something. For this, I am grateful.
I believe that Louise is correct when she speaks about divorcing our mothers as essential to having ‘successful relationships’ (at least, that is how I am choosing to interpret her statement). In my case, it is also pertains to divorcing myself from my sisters and my perceptions of them. It is also, now, about divorcing myself from all of the internal constructs – conscious and unconscious – that frame the unique relationships that I have co-created with all others. I see how that has already been in the works for the last 5 years… and, yet, instead of recognizing the joy in the shift, I, instead, made myself wrong and responsible for the fact that others chose to remove themselves from the holodeck of my life. And, for those who have chosen to travel with me, our co-created relationships have become more brilliant and more independent. As my neediness has dropped away, so has their’s. For this, I am grateful.
The second insight that occurred during the BSI session was the recognition that ‘betrayal’ and ‘brutality’ are the front and back of the same hand that oils the pistons of ‘rage’ and ‘resentment’. The reverse is also true; an entirely closed feed-back loop that drives the engines of fault and blame, victim and perpetrator, success and failure, competition, performance, jealousy, ‘measuring up, my way or the highway’, and die to be right. I could not make these distinctions when I was eating meat and dairy… and, it has only been 2 months since I decided to make the change to a plant-based diet for myself. And I am noticing, now, that, less and less, am I silencing myself to ‘keep the peace’ as I have known and lived it. To use Louise’s analogy of the mirror, I have moments, now, when I know I have moved through it and beyond it. For this, I am grateful.
And, finally, today was the day that I chose to look sarcasm and cynicism straight in the eye. I grew up with the brutality of listening to sardonic sarcasm (yes, a double whammy) falling out of the mouth of my father, the cynic. For me, it was a betrayal of trust. I experienced it as mean, unkind and unnecessary, even if it was not directed at me. If I could hear it, even a whiff of it, I shuddered. I have always known that I carry a great capacity to exercise it (modelling, wanted or not, wired it it); however, in memory of my own experience of it and how horrible I felt whenever I heard it, I could not and would not. Way too edgy. My realization, today, was that I had thrown out the baby with the bath water. Edgy. I asked myself ‘When did me being edgy mean that I was mean, unkind… and, worst of all, unnecessary?’ Today, with that realization, I have experienced a great de-coupling of it all. Edgy; this is a good thing! Who knew? Yes, for this I am grateful.
So, tonight, as I re-read the provocation and responses for Day 7 and the provocation and responses for Day 8, I am thrilled be sharing my awareness with you. Thank you for reading and for sharing all the you have shared with me. I value your contribution to my life. For this, I am truly grateful.
With appreciation,
Sheila.