Good morning, All!
Today, I feel the wrenching. And the truth is: sometimes, when something has been fixed for so long, the wrenching is required for it to be dislodged.
A very, very old wave activates as I notice an inner voice speaking to me, in the timbre and cadence of a much younger me, chastising that I have gone too far. That I have asked too many questions. That I have pressed and insisted when I should have looked the other way. I can see the faces of so many around me – my parents, my teachers, the other kids in the class – indicative of their irritation and annoyance. The unspoken accusation: “Why can’t you just leave it alone!?!?!?” What I could not know then is that underneath the accusation lay their own discomfort.
Even then, as a child as young as 4, I knew that the movement from status-quo to irritation meant that we were approaching a level of disturbance that would not only rock the boat, but could also sink it. In this moment, I feel that.
The first thought when I awakened at 3:30 was the movie ’The Matrix’. The red pill or the blue pill. You take the blue pill, and you wake up easing back into your day. Take the red pill and the plug on the illusion is pulled…. and we are propelled down an often treacherous new path. Through that movie, I vacillated from red to blue; often wondering if ’truth’ was the prize it was made out to be. As I watched one of the characters eat his steak and marvel at knowing it was nothing more than an accumulation of bits and bytes of information, and yet declaring that it sure tasted great! I could relate.
My life has been one of choosing to take the red pill. I have always preferred to know ’the truth’, than not. Over time, as I’ve become wiser in my longer-lived days, I am also mindful of the degree to which ’the truth’ is restless and can have many faces. What is true to one is deception to another. What is true today may not be so tomorrow. Truth, through the eye of the beholder, morphs. Truth can be ’spun’ and shaped to the essential of any given moment or intent. Truth has proven to be a platform for expediency rather than any absolute that stands alone. Truth, as strategy, has a habit of changing its mind.
And now, at this place in my life, I know truth as only one thing: that which moves inside me. As such, it does not always map to anything outside of me; nor is it always practical, applicable or functional. I do not hold my ’truth’ as the right one – just the one that is right for me. The one I trust. The one I am willing to act upon. And then, as I evolve, I own the right to change my mind.
In this moment, I find myself wondering: what is the truth that continues to provoke my own awakening? What is it that just won’t leave me alone? It is certainly NOT that I have some responsibility to anything outside myself; or that I am obliged in some way to engage. It is not that it carries any cause/effect outcome (i.e. if I do x then y will follow). It is simply this: I am not able to do/be otherwise. For me, I must come to welcome that as its own outcome.
I notice that I am drawn to engage with fewer and fewer. Again, not good/bad, right/wrong…just the way it is. I trust my inner truth – and it always takes the lead. The conversations that live inside me are not to be had with any and all. I respect that. I’m ok with that. And I would prefer to be silent than to talk about the weather.
Do I have hope that our world will recover from….will ever reclaim status quo from… the path we’re on? No, I don’t. And then I wonder: does it matter? Does my hoping fuel any particular outcome? I don’t think so. It’s that cause/effect thing, again; that possibility that my hope will somehow produce a strategy to apply a practical solution ‘out there’. Such is the seduction of language and the distraction of allowing ourselves to debate the deep meaning of nominaizations. In that, I can think of no more impractical way to spend my time or – worse! – the great power of my attention.
What does matter is that I not abandon mySelf… whatever state I might be in, in the moment. What matters is that I claim and own what lives in me and engage it. It will take the lead and from that, the moment will unfold. The momentary discomfort of a wave of inner discovery will pass and in its wake will emerge a wave of new possibility – one that simply could not have existed before the movement of that first wave. And such is the nature of our quantum biological Being. It is a dance and all we have to do is let the inner movement, lead.
I do know one other thing: I am tired. In my mind, I see an ocean. Likely, the Pacific – the Great Mother whose waters have shaped me. I know that at some time, I was a massive wave…. undulating from Her deepest parts…. making its way to the shore. At the deepest part of the ocean, the undulation… the wave… is massive and powerful and strong. As time and distance are travelled, that undulation changes shape and force…contoured by the Earth over which it rides. …until it makes its way up the sand in its finest, lightest form… and touches the world around it. Perhaps we are not intended to seek to hold to that deep undulation. Perhaps we are intended to break upon the shore, letting go of what we once were, and allow ourselves to be transformed.
I am no longer the force of that deep undulation. I now know myself more as a lightly falling rain. You will still get wet – but you will not drown. You can avoid it and not be swamped by it. When you seek shelter from it, it will not pursue you. And nonetheless, I know that even this lightly falling rain can, in its constant presence, erode the most stubborn of mounds. Falling rain knows no compromise. 🙂
The other thing that I know for sure, is: I don’t know. I have not a single clue. Ah yes… I remember well that passion. And in this moment: I really don’t care. Not because I do not ‘love’ – but because I no longer believe that ‘loving’ makes a difference. To me, in the truth of my experience, the only thing that makes a difference is being awake! And for THAT, there is no easy path. In my many years of this life, few have welcomed the red pill.
I sometimes wonder: When do we ever know enough? In truth, we know (in the intellect) so little given the passage of time; hidden and known history; the immensity of the size of the world; the vast numbers of individual living beings who occupy this planet. If I believe that my choices can be supported/validated/rationalized by the facts of what I know, my life will be a shambles! I will never, EVER know enough; know it all; know the right things; know the truth of another. I can only know mySelf… and from that Self, my Life will unfold.
It matters little how well the intellect can understand and/or explain it all. The only thing that matters is that the body – the instrument designed for the projection of holographic reality – can remain stable in the presence of chaos. For THAT, we must be willing to be ourselves and tell the truth. Not the truth that others want us to carry; not the truth that will get me more Friends on Facebook or ‘likes’ on Twitter; not the one that will make another happy; not the one that will appease and ensure the absence of rage, shame, humiliation, disagreement, confusion, uncertainty, etc….. but the truth my body carries. Is there any greater act of intimacy than to reveal ‘out there’ what lives, uniquely and singularly, ‘in here’? It is the choice to be naked to all that is not me. And for that, in my world, the key is Quantum TLC™ – ensuring that my body is stable from that inner truth BEFORE I seek to make a new and different choice. To be stable within mySelf before I attempt to engage outside mySelf.
To tell my truth about me, changes the world. Not my truth about another or some concept or idea… but the simple moment of my truth about me, revealed first to myself; and then, to the world as evidenced through how I choose to live. Acting on that truth…choosing from that truth… will alter my ‘reality’.
It is so simple. I own it – or it owns me.
In that ownership, I choose the truth of my experience and engage. Nothing to destroy. Nothing to attack or defend. Just the stability of my being fully present in the moment; in the truth of my own experience; sharing my truth about myself and freeing myself from my supposed truth about any person, thing or event that is not me.
Life is a series of interconnected moments. Life can change, from one moment to the next. Moments. Being in the living ’now’ and allowing it to flood the quantum biological device that is my body…. that is the instrument of the projection of my chosen reality. To live in the presenting moment is an art form and one that we are not trained/entrained into. What we are taught is that value lies in the silencing and sacrificing of this moment to one that was or one that might be. In that, it is impossible to occupy the ’now’ – and yet, the point of power is always in the ’now’. The result is an individual and hence, collective powerlessness that paralyses us to remain in the status quo. In that, we become of little challenge to a world imposed from outside the truth of who we know ourselves to be.
The sun rose with a glorious pink/gold/silver/grey sky. I like my little perch on the world. I get both the rising and the setting sun. There is something important in that. Perhaps it is that I am so aware that it is not a single thing but a cycle. The recognition that the sun is not doing anything other than what it always does. It is my world that is turning.
I wake every day, in my little refuge on the 8th floor, and I am grateful.
I am grateful that I live where there is no war; where the climate is not focused (yet) on my destruction. Surrounded by the chosen few things that make me smile, I have left all else (big house, office, many rooms of ’stuff’, boxes in storage, etc) behind.
I am grateful for my sons and their choices of life-partners. Every day, there is a text or a phone call or an email that reminds me that I am loved and valued by those who emerged from my body. Not always perfect; not always good/nice… we are still deeply connected in some shared truth.
I am grateful that today, my Mom knows who I am. That is not always so. With each passing day, it becomes more confusing for her. And yet, her body remains strong and she is happy. What more could I ask for?
I am grateful for every funny image I see on Facebook! Grateful for the laughter that fills my every day. Grateful for glimpses of insight into the life of another that has led them back to themselves.
I am grateful to live a life surrounded by so many, many powerful women of courage and deep insight; women who own the truth of their experience – whatever it may be! – unapologetically and without reservation. I look around and I know: as I take that stand for mySelf, I never stand alone! I am in the good company of so many other women who stand with me, as they too, stand for themselves.
Today, in this writing process, is hump day! Day 5 completed will take us over the hump. I appreciate what it takes to be part of this and I am aware that there may well be no happy ending in sight. And yet, in truth, all that we are doing is having a conversation with ourselves, in the presence of each other. Is that not the magical simplicity of it all?
In this moment, I am done. I stand with ease in the swirl of the extremes; in the commingling presence of the outrage and the deep joy, as they occupy my inner truth as threads in the tapestry of my existence; not knowing anything other than the simple truth that Day 6 will present. It always does.
Thank you, all, for staying with this. Thank you for your inner truths, embraced. For your stamina and courage. For being willing to follow where your Self leads.
Louise
I went to bed last night feeling curious about where I go at night. Where do all the humans go? We all need to sleep for at least part of every 24 hour cycle. That is a lot of sleeping that takes place on this planet. Where do we all go? What kind of space hosts 7.5 billion souls that float away from their hosts? Why does the host wake up with memories of strange, colourful, terrifying or pleasurable places and space echoing?
If part of us “takes off” every single day can we not organize a big meeting of souls someplace and decide together that enough is enough, it’s time to wake up. And then when our body awakes we are more present, more engaged, more willing to tell the truth of our essence. Can you even imagine if we all just walked around telling the truth. It boggles me mind really. The beauty of it all would shift this planet in one 24 hour cycle from violence to peace. I doubt soldiers would want to kill anymore, I doubt people would want to see old growth trees turned into toilet paper, I doubt embracing the horror show of the slaughterhouse would be anything we said yes to again.
Truth, real truth, not what others want to hear but deep, courageous truth would set us all free. The truth that led a friend of mine to say “eating dairy and eggs feels like I am violating my body”. That kind of deep and real truth. BOOM. That kind of deep knowing and ability to connect to it and express it is the ultimate freedom. Gone are the illusions created my brilliant marketers and fearful parents. In a single breath the lie breaks, the body is set free.
If these kinds of things are possible what the fuck is taking the collective so long? Why are we not all just digging deep, finding the truth of our existence and living from that place? I know, I know, cultural conditioning…but I am sick of that. I am sick of the cause and effect and I want it all to just stop. I want us to wake up collectively and become magnificent creatures in our final time on this planet. Full of joy, compassion, presence, gratitude. I want to see miracles that are beyond my comprehension. I have no false hope that we can stop the biosphere collapse, I just want to see the best of humanity emerge before we say good-bye to this glorious planet.
Am I asking too much. In this moment I don’t believe I am because I see this happen all the time. I see magnificence, I see miracles unfolding, I see truth expressed. If some of us can do it, all of us can.
At the same time I don’t hold my breath waiting. I can hear the other voice telling me that is too big a request, the coma is too thick, we will never wake up in time. Clinton/Trump or in my world “Clump” will take over soon and accelerate the denial, compliance and consumption of the planet.
All that is left for me then is to do what I wish all of us would do…live, dance, smile, cry, share, create with reckless abandon. Live like there is no tomorrow. BE myself, all of me. It’s exciting really. How much of myself do I still hold back. How much more can I release into this day?
I lit the first fire of the season in the wood stove this morning and I am feeling the dry, comforting heat as the rain falls outside. Fire has always been my place. The cycles of burning bright and then reducing back to embers have been with me a long time. The spark always remain and in this moment I feel permission ramping up inside to keep the fire burning steadily, longer, warmer than ever. Instead of a bonfire and then suppression I want to transition into a steady state of cleansing fire that is always visible, always felt, always engaging. There is so much fuel for my fire that I know it will never burn out. All that is required is my allowing it continue, not hiding it or sheltering it from the world.
When we moved to the Sunshine Coast 3 years ago it was within weeks of my father’s death. I was beginning a grieving process that would rock my world. I needed the ocean, I need to be with her at that time. My litres of salty tears felt like they came from her as together we grieved deep loss. She held and supported me, she shared her magnificent beauty, her charming creatures delighted me. On August 23 – exactly one month ago today I heard the following words come out of my mouth “I think I am done with the ocean”. They surprised and scared me. How could I be done with the ocean? Our house is now packed, we have a landing spot and we are leaving the coast behind in just a few weeks. We are heading from the ocean to the interior of BC. The interior is all about wild fires. Just saying.
Thanks,
Deb
I was so inspired by the offerings yesterday in our own little email group and on Louise’s blog that I started hammering out today’s response last night. I was feeling so activated!
And then Louise’s provocation arrived in my in-box this morning and I thought I’d give it a read. It activated even more. Louise is like that for me though. 🙂
As I read her words I thought to myself, yep, I know the conversations I have make some queasy. Whatever, c’est la vie. If I’m going to talk about the weather, it’s in relation to abrupt climate change. No farting around with status quo bullshit. While my conversations may feel like a pattern interrupt to many, I also believe that what I’m saying is not unfamiliar. It’s merely suppressed and pushed into the darkest corners of the psyche where it can be more easily ignored and denied. I believe on a soul level that we all know the collective storyline we chose to enter this time around is a profound one. The triggered irritation (or resonance) that many feel with my words is confirmation that a truth has been touched—a truth that is ready to emerge.
Ah triggers.. I know them well. The shadowy parts of my persona that would prefer to remain unseen. And yet, it was a trigger that prompted my paradigm-altering essay. I write about this very trigger in the first few paragraphs. I didn’t allow the trigger to own me this time however. Instead, I owned it and in doing so, my life transformed yet again—in ways that feel more authentic than ever before.
When I first allowed myself to fully entertain the possibility of end times earlier this year, I felt a lot of inertia in the form of disbelief, despair, denial and my own deep grief. It was the process of writing my essay that allowed me to move through these feelings and reach a new level of empowered and activate acceptance that has in many ways, liberated me from the physical world. I still grieve over the utter stupidity of the path of ignorance chosen by the collective that brought us to this point, however I understand more now what the yogis, sufis and buddhists speak of when they say “being in this world but not of it”.
I read the post that Linda referred to the other day, Exploring the Gap Between Business-as-Usual and Utter Doom, and there was a powerful resonance.
The gap…more like an unfathomable chasm actually. I wonder if this gap really means “doom” or do we only perceive it this way because we’re so damned imprisoned by our culturally conditioned persona’s—the ego if you will.
Personally, I see no problem with the end of species homo sapien. As a matter of fact, it would be a breath of fresh air for Gaea. I do despise the fact that our sinking ship is taking all of planetary life with it however. I make this very clear in my work. It never, ever, EVER had to be this way. EVER! This is the insanity of it all.
I just can’t shake the thought that maybe our fate is actually our salvation though.
Maybe “the end” is really the beginning. As a collective, we’re so hung up on our “homo-sapien’ness” that we’ve forgotten our souls—our infiniteness. Do you think the soul gives a damn about longevity? My thought is that the soul only cares about evolution. I wrote about this in my August blog post. I can almost hear my soul hollering, “YEEHAW” anytime anything shitty happens in my life that I’m about to face head on. So then maybe the end of humanity is the consciousness shift the new-age types speak of, only they don’t realize that it ain’t in a human body because they’re so damned trapped in the magical thinking and density of their homo-sapien’ness.
Some people think about what they’re going to have for lunch. I think about the meaning of life…and beyond. 🙂
Intuitively, I know that consciousness is independent of physicality. I go back to my experiences at the Monroe Institute and I know this on an experiential level. We are more than our physical bodies. So why then do people tie their knickers in such a tight knot when they think of human extinction? Most people hate their bodies anyways. They’re also phobic of “death” (which is really a phobia of life). It’s so weird to me. The extinction part is not the problem. The destruction of everything sacred beforehand is the problem. Humans are scared of their own extinction, but what is scared? Scared is the sacred turned upside down.
The red pill has always been my food of choice. As a kid, my father labelled me, “smart ass” because I challenged EVERYTHING. He despised that. When I stopped eating the dismembered, rotting body parts of animals at the age of 12, he freaked out. He fought me. I won. I learned to fight for my truth at an early age. The fight is a hard one for me to let go, but it’s happening. Now I just don’t give a damn. Don’t like what I have to say, so be it. I don’t live for others. I live for me.
I’m hell bent on my own evolution. With the final chapter for humanity looming over my head, I’m more committed than ever to love harder, speak out louder, make a difference, live with intention, purpose and a passion that burns my conditioned fears away. I’m here to be fully and completely alive! I’m here to serve, and in my service to the world, Gaea evolves. I truly believe this. In the density of my humanity, I’m working my ass off to make my soul proud to have been Deb Ozarko. I live in service to my soul…and the soul of the Earth. When my soul tells me to turn right, I turn right. When she tells me to leap, I leap. When she tells me to soar, I do. No questions asked. There is no time anymore.
For the masses, I see two timelines: inertia and regression. This is status quo. Bleh. I live on a vastly different timeline however. For me, there is only take-off and an urgency to live fully, love hard, and let go… Intuitively, I know this is not the end. Perhaps it is the final chapter for humanity, but no more than that. This is the vast chasm…the void, between inertia and take-off.
The times I feel the most despair in my life are when I find myself attaching to my humanity and forgetting the infinity of my soul. In reality, this incarnation was always meant to be a mere blip in time, as were all that preceded it. When I remember this, I ease back into my humanity without attachment and I do the meaningful work I’m meant to do with even more gusto.
Every spiritual tradition spoke of these times, and here we are. The final curtain call. I no longer wonder how it will all play out. I know it will likely really, really, really suck. I’ve reached such a place of acceptance however that I think it’s pretty cool that I’ve chosen to be here during these times despite how painful they can be. I’m also grateful for my passion for life and my willingness to not fall into helplessness or despair (at least for very long). These crazy-ass times are a profound opportunity for my soul to evolve (YEEHAW!). I prefer to look at everything as an adventure, even when it’s scary as fuck…like end times??? Holy fuckin’ fuck fuck!!! (Note: Silvia, I used to not swear either, and then one day I thought, “what the fuck!” and then the fuck’s started flying. It’s liberating!)
I love to laugh as much as I cry. When I cry (and laugh), I know that my heart and mind are twinned.
Life is awesome…even in the darkest moments. I’ve learned this repeatedly in my life. I’m grateful for every heartbeat, every breath, and every opportunity to have mind-blowing conversations that shatter old paradigms.
Thank you all for being…
Deb
Day 5
Dear new friends (most – I don’t know),
I didn’t see Louise’s post until now. Thought I would share what I had written before I read her post. I like that Louise wrote: “And yet, in truth, all that we are doing is having a conversation with ourselves, in the presence of each other. Is that not the magical simplicity of it all? ” Love that…because that was exactly how I was feeling this morning. Here is my post for today:
So I gather from reading other participants Day 5 posts that we will not
be getting a prompt today? I am going to go out on limb and write from
that place. I am pretty random, even when I am given a prompt, anyway (or
at least that is the way it feels to me).
Something Laurie wrote from Day 4 struck me. In light of the problems
facing humanity, it feels insignificant to talk about the triviality of my
struggles of living this life on life’s terms (not her words exactly…my
interpretation). But, I realize that I too have been feeling that way.
Because of this feeling, I even question the importance of doing this. I
find it so hard to face the ‘truth.’ But, what is the truth? Do we live in
a flat two dimensional reality, or are there infinite realities to be
lived through the current thoughts we hold as true? I like the idea of
quantum jumping. I like the idea that if I can imagine a world operated on
the principles of Love and Harmony, then it already exists. The Universe
is infinite, after all.
This heart thing is the problem. No…this ego thing is the problem. My
ego tells me all these awful stories. It tells me I am not good enough. It
tells me I can only go so far towards my dreams. It tells me that to risk
is to suffer. It tells me playing it safe is the only way for me to love,
and live, unscathed. But, I am coming to see that living unscathed is not
really living at all. It is filling a seat for the sake of filling a seat,
rather than being really present, so that I may contribute something
wonderful or somewhat worthwhile; something that could be useful for
someone else, or for humanity as a whole.
I love the idea that someone brought up about sleep (I think it was Deb?).
I have often wondered why we sleep in the first place. Is not death just a
big opportunity to sleep? Are we not wasting our time sleeping when we
could be really living every moment of this life? But, I LOVE sleep. As I
age, I love it even more. It is hard to sleep like a teen-aged girl, when
you are in your fifties (or for me it is). But, it would be super cool if
we could do something productive with our sleeping time, like, as Deb
said, meet with other like-minded/“I want to save the planet,” sleeping
individuals, and discuss the current state of humanity, while leaving our
egos to sleep within our current host body. Maybe without the ego to
interfere in the dialogue, with its never ending childish wants, we could
really figure this shit out? It is a cool thought to ponder over.
I wonder what life is supposed to be about. I make things. I am driven to
create. I am driven to share what I create. But, at times, I wonder why I
even bother, to be honest. I think it is inspiration that drives me, but I
am not sure if it isn’t ego, and I just create nice stories about
inspiration, just to boost my ego self, further? I recently created the
art and writing for a deck of spiritual/inspiration cards, and I have them
ready to print, but I question why I am even doing it at all. And, you
know, I am pretty sure I will never know the answer to that question. It
is an answer that lies beyond the veil of my human awareness. And it
pisses me off that I can’t even let you all know when I find out, because,
as far as I can see, we cannot talk to others after we die.
I find myself asking my family and friends who have transitioned to the
Great Beyond, to let me know what our future holds, but there is no answer
on the other end of the receiver. It is just dead. I feel a knot in my
stomach. I wonder if that knot is an intuitive nudge from beyond? I decide
that maybe it is, but I know I don’t know, and I know I never will know,
for sure. I do know that today I have a lot to be grateful for. Do I
notice the things I am grateful for as much as I notice what is going
wrong in my life? Most days I do. But then I question whether I am just
burying my head in the sand? I feel guilty when I feel joy. That is it.
When I am happy, I feel guilty, because others are suffering, and the
planet is in a state of disrepair. I wonder if in order to be noble, I
need to be in a constant state of ‘awareness’ and grief, around what is
going wrong? Now I just feel confused. I think I will take a look at my
gratitude list again.
Love,
Jeanette
I entered into Deb Gleason’s Beyond Vegan Conversation at least 2 months ago. I got there, as the result of a conversation I was having with her one day and I asked her about the program. A wave flooded body and the tears came and she said that, maybe, it was time to engage. So, I did.
I probably should back up to last winter/spring when Deb Ozarko asked me to review her book, Unplug, for Amazon. I read the book way into the nights, and even as I was overcome with fatigue and longed for sleep, every night, I just could not put it down. Deb’s book, to quote one of my clients who has read it, ‘rattled’ me. The stress fractures in my world, relative to how and what I was choosing to eat, had begun. And, in car rides with Louise, to visit her mother, we had much conversation about going vegan.
I have been married for more than 45 years. My husband grew up on a beef and chicken farm; his family sold eggs to make a living. We live on land that was once part of that farm, surrounded by a forest that, as I mentioned in my comment to Day 4’s provocation, I have barely stepped into at any depth. I am surrounded by animals and birds that live in that forest and they visit our place seasonally (deer) and every day (birds and squirrels). And I have lived with dogs all of my life and have been in the rescue of Rottweilers for almost 20 years.
Deb Ozark’s book – and her essay – shook the concrete foundations of my old internal structures – as did the three-way conversation (podcast) between Louise and Deb O and Deb G (I found it a marathon and disturbing conversation, as I sat at my office desk, late into an evening, listening and wanting to stop, yet unable to stop listening. I knew that if I did stop listening, I would betray my Self. The die, unknown to me, had been cast.
So, enter Deb G, who informed and educated me and shattered all the marketing hype about protein and calcium amounts and labelling done to cover manufacturers’ asses by instilling the fear of alrighty god through the warnings of ‘might contain’. For the first 2 weeks of her six-week weekly sessions, I was off meat, but still eating cheese and ice cream. And then, Deb, said something to me, in week two or three, about the physiology of the colon and thought that I might be able to elaborate on what she was speaking about (I started out my adult life as an R.N., engaged in pre- and post-operative settings); so, she asked me a a question to clarify her statement. Another die cast. As I responded to her question, all I could think about was all of the colonics and the anti-biotic therapies and the medically prescribed diets (all garbage) that I was responsible for the administration of; prepare the bowel for surgery. All of the presenting abdominal diseases, I know, now, were the consequence of ingesting meat and dairy. And, yet, back then, I’d run the therapies and then go off to lunch to eat meat and dairy, as if that was the natural and ‘healthy’ thing to do. That was more than 40 years ago. It boggles my mind that it never occurred to me to question it. Back then, I would rarely hear the word, vegetarian; however, vegan? What was that?
While I stopped eating meat 2 months ago, and dairy and eggs almost 6 weeks ago, there is still meat and dairy in the fridge/freezer. I live with my husband; he grew up on a farm. My confusion (and my fear) at the beginning of this journey was that I’d be looked at as entertaining yet again another ‘fad’. I have done every diet known to man over the course of my life, including gluten free. I now recognize all of them as pattern interrupts that served to deprive me of the sensual experience of simply being myself. In order to be acceptable to myself, becoming thin, which meant ‘healthy’ was the sure answer. While there could be some merit to becoming thin, I am no longer certain of its validity, because of all of the marketing hype surrounding it. I drank the Kool-Aid, more like the poison, that all would be OK, if only I would do X. How much of that generalized to other areas of my life?People are still consuming meat and dairy to get their desired results…. and rebounding back into old ways with that process, further entrenching their own captivity to the mindshare of coma. So, I cook and eat plants and others are now eating what I cook, including my husband. My actions, I know, speak louder than words; I see the changes. Will he change completely? That is not my responsibility. I can lead a horse to water, I cannot make the same horse drink.
As I have been engaged in the Beyond Vegan conversation, my judgments about my judgements are showing up… and the lies I tell myself are making themselves undeniably clear to me. I got into this conversation to see how my choices around food and eating were generalizing to the choices I was making in/for other areas of my life; still, I was trepidatious about taking myself into an only plant-based diet. I had no clue how easy it would become. The conversation has become a gateway for greater considerations.
I declared bankruptcy almost 8 years ago. At the time, I wrote a blog posting that awakened me to the realization that bankruptcy is a state of being which has been in place long before it manifests in physical reality. I know women who have declared bankruptcy and who were interested in having a very different conversation. Little did I know that engaging Beyond Vegan would be essential to what I would be creating. So, following Beyond Vegan, I created Beyond Bankruptcy: Ending the liens on our lives. The women in this weekly online experience met these criteria: 50 years of age and over and had to have declared bankruptcy at some point in their lives. What a ride! The connection between how and what we consume and state of being is huge. Ultimately, we have had to become predators in every sense of the word to sustain the status quo.
I work with bodies; I know them intimately; I know them intuitively. I no longer doubt the genius of the body as the Quantum Biological Processor of Information™ that it is. I know that it never lies. I have spent a lifetime dedicated to my own personal evolution. And, what I have come to realize is that, when I was choosing to eat meat and dairy, I was eating the energy signatures of predation. By so many other means and methods, I have spent a life-time, seeking to free myself of the signatures of predation I have felt in my own life, however, they presented. I would do the interventions, then sit down at the table with others to eat the animal flesh and by-products of predation. Plain and simple, I was robbing Peter to pay Paul; that is the very essence of living a bankrupt life. That strategy shows up everywhere, it we would only take a hard look. There is a Bob Dylan song called, I think, ‘You’ve got to pay somebody’ (Nathalie Cole sings a fantastic cover); well, we humans are paying big time. We have robbed Gaia and we have robbed all sentient beings of their inalienable right to LIVE free…and THAT includes ourselves.
So, I am done. And, in that, I am speaking out, not proselytizing, simply speaking out. I look, more and more, for the moments to educate, ’cause, as with everything that means anything, education is essential. I am simply being myself, owning when and what I am hungry for, and living. And, SURPRISE!, others are starting to ask….
This is poignant…having sworn off meat (save a happy turkey at Christmas) for three or more years. I still have some work to do yet, but your post inspires me further…thank you Sheila.
Hump Day – I never thought of that in relation to the 10 day writing experience.
It took the innocence of my 81 year old ‘father’ today – for there to be a different pause.. and to notice a deep curiosity of the reverberation of what is happening on the planet I do sense there pockets of awakening consciousness. Just wondering if we will ever reach the 100th monkey embodied and not as our notion. Is it enough to evoke the change…is it enough to evoke to further provoke awaken and activate the becoming of the New Emerging Species.
I am so aware of the South Dakota stance for clean water, for the nations coming together… for the Black Lives Matter.. For the stance being taken in the Amazon…for the beach clean ups, the stances of NO MORE… for humanity rising in many ways… and as we’ve all echoed is it enough? Is that question in an awakened group of individuals even meaningful at this point to echo. Yet my mind and curiosity brings it forward… what does this thought pattern provoke or ignite for a larger conversation and conversation with traction in my own life and beyond. I hear the echo of each of our words, is it enough, does it matter – I Don’t know.
To hear Bernie shocked me.. it began with him talking about hundreds of people with out water in Nova Scotia.(I know there is many more on the planet that have been without water for a long time.. and clean water almost never – our First Nation community in our province have very seldom had clean water – in those passing moments it didn’t matter whether he knew this or not). The significance for me was his willingness to insert the conversation, and for him to speak his concern, his disbelief and his compassion for humanity. It made me take notice. In all my years of him being on my holodeck 43 – I’ve heard and been a big part of his love of nature, the outdoors – I’ve experience his delightful spirit in the great outdoors – his wise teachings of deep appreciation and compassion for all beings – yet to hear his fears/sadness and genuine concerns around the earth, the planet, and humanity, in his way was something I had never experienced. He wasn’t raging against anything (that is an abnormality and he was sober yet another).
It’s left an impression… a new perspective of the man a rarely see or hear and a deep curiosity – that the conversations are permeating. And yet my question is will there be any action – or will we continue to make our comfortable decisions, that suits our needs of comfort and ease.
does any of it matter… I found myself pondering as I moved through my day – diving into conversations with those I created on my holodeck, and at the end absolutely exhausted. Reflected back was deep coma, the walking tired, – my impulse to return to solitude under the sun and create space..invited a large softening, sadness more curiosity and into the sensation of deep disappointment… disappointment – then judgement – then bewilderment – and finally an inner quieting as I invited and allowed the cascading waves to descend, like rain that soaks to the bone – with ever persistent presence – no coincidence that you referenced the rain today Louise, as it had been in my awareness all day. Just another validation that at some point in our journeys… our willingness to activate the spirit in tissue invites the realm of Higher Consciousness to permeate the layers and hear and see things without existing in the same physical time and space.
I recognized an old pattern today – the closed loop has opened -after the unleashing of my disappointment and igniting the energy to expand through and beyond my body. I recognized I was attempting to recreated what has been. I know this is just he beginning in the next few weeks for the decoupling to continue, as I choose to invite more authenticity, truth to truth. I am not here to recycle even the best creations to date. I’ve had such deep intimate co-creations the last 5 years. I am in awe many days of all that I have invited into my experience of life. To recreate what has already been… is not the pathway I choose. I am here for the expansion of thought, consciousness, evolution and the descension of that into the body. As why else would I have this exquisite sensing body suit. I ended up shaking my head in disappointment with myself when the Green dot came – with such delight and then judgment. The story which seems relevant for me to voice outloud (as I was desperately trying to avoid it- making it not about the content).. and in this moment I know sharing the content of my experience will be my gateway. A New group of awakened women in my everyday world able to hear the awakened paradigm shift – All living with large Intentions. Were to gather tonight – I was holding on to this – little did I know that was fuelling my lightness in my step with possibilities and expectations of more expansion. Bottom line it didn’t happen… I was left to my own devices, my own thoughts, my own creativity, my own space, my own awakenings, face to face with myself.
it is a large wake up call a subtle yet powerful perspective shift – my lip tremors as I write…this truth that I know is coming next.. I have created so brilliantly at an environmental level with The Rural Consciousness Project with amazing awakened women. The five of us have so much spit fire, intention, and capacity to brith new worlds it has been incredible. We have been the ones to persist through the resistant of old Nested Living Patterns, call each other out on our bullshit – in and outside of the program rooms, we’ve let go of our old ways of relating, we’ve challenged each other, we’ve walked away from each other, we’ve broken the silence code of collusion, we’ve shown up over and over again… without a dime exchanged – without an expectation of anyone else showing up – except ourselves. We opened space for others to witness the process, to step in, to co-create, to come to know their magnificence, to see this process lived visibly in real time, there has been no coach… yet 5 willing to be the ones in their live to co-create in the messy beautiful of no rules just an organic follow of impulse to impulse in what lights each Authentic Presence up. We were committed to not just talking about it… Not just philosophize about it… yet living it in a teachable touchable way with ourselves, our families, our children, our friends, our gardens, our impulses and with the world at large. I have reclaimed more PTSD patterns in my body with these amazing forces, laughed, cried, raged, and come to know the Deep Powerful Spiritual and Highly Intelligent Expression of my Authentic Self in their presence. It has been the most sacred dance – fuelled intimately in the beginning by the WEL-Systems® context and then by our sheer stubborn determined persistent no bullshit attitudes and the acceptance and rise of The Force of Nature that we are – we have lived that it is POSSIBLE to birth new worlds we know deep within our bellies and beyond ourselves; it is also possible to co-create a collective that is a living example of a living breathing Nested Living System in a New paradigm.
The truth is the collective has expanded – how it once looked even 4 months ago no longer exists. Each Women creating magnificently in their lives.. and so many more I can see being the edge workers, pioneers, visionaries and midwifes for the soul to be present in bodies, in the new world. For me it is a bitter sweet fuckin rocket fuelled magnificent transition… there has been a death and a rebirth; a contraction and an expansion – and none of us know where we will land. Each committed to letting it all fall away, so that the Rise can happen, and Creation can come from the next wave of impulse and intention. It has been the living example of alchemy by the willingness to be ourselves, tell our truth, and let the old patterns die, first for ourselves and the rest takes care of itself.
I know we are deeply interconnected for the void and yet in a physical reality I stand alone many of my days. I am the awakened one in my reality, my expression of the embodiment of spirit in tissue willing to own the wave no matter who is in my presence, my willingness to speak up, walk away, and reposition and contextualize the conversation for myself. It etches through the concrete of the status quo…Sometimes with great ease and flow, others I am the awakening seeping through the mortar – I keep asking myself is this what I am designed for…is this aligned with my intention for being here? Cause I am questioning it all and yet there is no way of turning back.
I know I do not stand alone… its a phone call to many, an hour drive through traffic, and yet I know I’d be traveling down a familiar path. My intellect tells me there is no time for the familiar – the phases of validation, get on with it.. tears flow as I own this rugged truth, as it is in every relationship that has been on my holodeck that is shifting. I know it is the only way of my choosing for Wholeness. My expression of me shifting. I have Shattered my illusion of who I thought I was becoming… it has already been done. The awakening erupted two months ago – there is no Kanas.. there is no familiar … there is the process and a willingness to engage. and no it is not for the fate of heart. Sekhmet was called onto my holodeck two years ago… she continues to find flight from the ashes. it is the force of her rising from within me.
Unapologetically and for now, I’m inviting her to sleep, rest these weary bones, and know tomorrow I will wake – and know a process of choosing and living that brings all spectrums of life.