Today is Day 9 of 10. A sense of relief. Like the horse heading back to the barn at the end of a long day. A sense of peace, as this leg of the journey comes to an end; and a sense of the unearthed provocation that I know awaits. In my experience, it is impossible to ask questions without knowing intuitively that in doing so, new (and often, bigger) questions will emerge. Every new discovery becomes the platform from which the next journey will be launched.
What I notice most about myself today is the degree to which the past has so little meaning, if any.
When I think about my sons, it is always in the ’now’. I have to work at remembering them as young children – not that I can’t, but that information does not live in an easy place for me to access. It is as if I have to reconstruct those moments as opposed to notice them. And in that, I have to reconstruct myself.
Perhaps, in some way, I am living with amnesia. Once it’s done, it’s done. I noticed a long time ago that along the timeline of my existence, the ‘past’ had dropped away. What remained was the ’now’ and a possible future. To this day, it continues to serve me well.
I wonder what the difference is between amnesia and dementia. Perhaps with amnesia, I don’t know who I am. Perhaps with dementia, I decide who I am and reconstruct my reality.
With amnesia, I don’t remember who I have been and therefore, am unsure of who I should become. The greatest of gifts, perhaps?
At this point in this exploration, I am gratefully aware that my life is no longer a task or a never-ending to-do list.
I now also trust that the simple act of being present in mindfulness makes magic possible.
My doing is always contextualized by my Being. Being comes first. If conflict presents, doing falls away… and I wait for the insight to come.
Context always leads. When I don’t know what that is, stillness is a powerful choice.
Every day, I choose. And there are moments when the wisest of choices is no choice, at all.
And ultimately, the question: Dare I emerge? What meaning propels that emergence, particularly in the face of adversity?
Today is a play day for me. It is raining and I’m fine with that. It is as if the rains come to soften the light that fills my space. A different light. A different way to see.
Have a great day!