RIGing – a powerful alternative to ‘love’

I’ve come to conclude that the language of ‘love’ is highly overrated! Having just completed a week-long conversation with a small group of women gathering… talking about their lives… it became clear to me that we have mastered a huge variety of ways to denigrate ourselves in the name of ‘love’.

“Love’ is not real. It’s a nominalization… a code word that we attribute to a perceived state of being. It is a label that we put on something – whatever that something is – that is riddled with culturally conditioned beliefs, values and attitudes about who we are, depending on our gender, age and place in the culture; and how we must interact with each other to achieve a particular outcome. The notion of ‘love’ or ‘loving’ is weighed down with more than enough practices, rituals, expectations and fears to cripple us for a lifetime.

“I love you so I’ll surrender my own well being in the name of yours.” How is that useful? How does my being less of a person in any way contribute to you being more of one?

“I love you so I’m going to pretend that you’re not who I experience you to be, but will accept you for who you want me to believe and tell others you are.” How does that build anything worth having?

“I love you so I’m going to allow you to ignore me, humiliate me, embarrass me, use me as a shield and as your kicking post so that you don’t have to deal with your life.” How does that help either of us to live fuller, richer lives?

The things that have been done in the name of ‘love’…. love of some god, love of some person, love of some principle, love of some philosophy, love of some desired outcome…. are legion not only in their range but in the immensity of their devastation to the human spirit. We slap, yank, punch, pull, drag, name-call, threaten and much, much more, in such a variety of ways, all in the name of love. Sometimes we do it with our children; and sometime, with each other.  Sometimes we do it with our bodies and sometimes, with our words. All are devastatingly painful.

I, for one, am choosing to remove the word ‘love’ from my vocabulary.

During our week-long Whispers from Within Women’s Writing Retreat, it occurred to me that I am unwilling to live my life without respect, integrity and generosity of spirit – for myself when I’m with you and for you when you’re with me. Respect – of myself and of you. Integrity – within me and within you. Generosity of spirit – for me and for you. RIG.

I’ve concluded that I would much prefer to RIG you and have you RIG me than far too many of those other things that pass as ‘love’. What a loaded word love is! For women, ‘love’ has become the trigger to abandon ourselves in the name of another; to allow ourselves to be lost in the sea of needs and wants of those around us. “Love’ is a word that is dripping with selflessness (like that’s a good thing!), obligation, commitment, struggle and self-sacrifice. If ‘love’ demands self-lessness, I’ll pass. If I am not my Self, then how can I connect with anyone else?

I sat and I watched and I listened to these wonderful women and I was aware of the degree to which ‘love’ing them felt so small and puny. The greatness of their Spirit was far more expansive than ‘love’ could sufficiently honor… at least, as we’ve come to know and experience ‘love’ in our habits of body and mind. Far too many of us live in bodies filled with rage and shame and fear and resentment, all spawned from declarations of ‘love’, and ‘for your own good’.

I realized that I had such respect for myself in the presence of these women, and such respect for each and everyone of them. I realized that living this way – engaging in these explorations of living large and in a way that welcomed being open, clear, honest and direct, was more important to me than whether or not they ‘liked’ me; or whether or not they might be upset by my truth of myself as I shared it with them. In my experience with them, I felt like a woman of integrity and I know – despite the difficulties that it might bring – they did, too. In their company, generosity of spirit was given and received as we sought to find truth in our expressions of day-to-day living.

I RIG them – every one of them! I RIG how they move through their world; their courage and strength; their vulnerability and willingness to decloak. I RIG them for their willingness to allow themselves to be authentic and present; to be seen and heard for all that they are and all that they aren’t, even when they’re unsure of the outcome.

I RIG my partner, my sons and my mother – never forgetting that they are first, their own person AND THEN in a dance of living large with me! I respect them – and I feel respected by them. I hold them as people of integrity and trust that they are who they present themselves to be with me, as I am so with them. I welcome their generosity of spirit with me and seek inside myself, mine with them.

RIGing – I’ll take that over ‘loving’ any day of the week. RIGing does not need to lie or deceive or betray. It does not need to punish or withhold. It does not need pretense to sustain itself and feeds mightily on the authentic, awakened presence that we often spend a lifetime trying to snuff out!

RIGing – I wonder what our world would become if we sought to RIG rather than love? I’m willing to test that one out!

Breathing is good…