I started my day with telephone and email conversations with three women, one of whom I’ve known for years and the other two much more recent entries onto the holodeck of my experience. Each conversation left me filled with deep love for who each of these women is: full of wonder and willingness to engage; unsure and moving forward with trepidation and still, completely unwilling to NOT move forward; and standing firm in a quiet resolve to fully live her life, whatever the price may be, and unwilling to ever again be small and still in order to bring peace to someone else. I hold each of these women as a living act of courage, unfolding.
I’m noticing, more and more, that the women in my life are different from the women I meet in other environments. It is less that they are a new ‘breed’ and much more that I believe them to be the precursor to a new expression of an awakened species: the Quantum Biological Human.
Historically, women have been the caretakers of the relationships while men have been trained to be the caretakers of the task. Men become practiced and adept at ‘thinking/doing’ while women have become the same at ‘feeling/being’. Like being nice; being polite; being understanding; being compassionate; being loving and warm and nurturing; being forgiving; being patient; being kind… and the list goes on and on and on, ad nauseum.
All of these attributes have been long encouraged and rewarded in women. I take issue with none of them individually AND what I do take issue with is the price that women have paid to be seen to be these things as a statement of identity. The expression of these was not dictated by the circumstances but by gender. For me, that is no longer enough.
It is possible to be kind and considerate AND to be honest and direct. It is possible to be loving and careing AND to draw the line in the sand and say ‘No more!’ It is possible to be forgiving AND to nonetheless, choose to leave. It is possible to be nice and polite AND to decline/say no/refuse.
This expression of what I see as women awakened, is making it uncomfortable for many – both men and women. It’s not easy, anymore. It’s not predictable. And it’s not a ‘done deal’ for any woman in my life. Every single day, when she gets out of bed and prepares to step into her day, what guides her is not how her life went yesterday but how she wants to design her life today!
That means that she gets to change her mind – without need for long stories and explanations, although she may choose to provide one. It’s an option – not a command performance.
It means that she can love someone – deeply and profoundly and unconditionally – and still choose to live her life separate from him/her. Whether it is mates/partners/lovers, our children or our friends, loving does not preclude individuation, separation and a willingness to be committed to her own evolution and sense of personal joy!
It means that the quality of her life matters, too. No longer is it useful or valuable or meaningful to be the buffet from which everyone else feeds while she starves herself from living her own life. She is discovering that it is possible for others to feed themselves.
This is a scary time for women. Awakening to this expression of themselves means that people will be annoyed with them (who isn’t annoyed when the service stops and you have to do it for yourself!!!). It means that others will be shocked when they cease to do what they’ve always done, and do something else instead. It means that other women will be pissed when they no longer respond to the circling of the wagons as the be-all and the end-all for making the ‘right’ choice and capitulating to the expectations of other women. It means that they will find themselves outside those circled wagons… and free to move on!
It also leaves us to ponder: who will we become if/when we are able to love AND not stay; to give AND still not give up ourselves; to engage AND do so in a way that also honors our own needs, our own dreams and our own lives?
This is a scary time for men. For so long, the women in their lives have put up, shut up and done what has been expected of them that they might be considered all those things I said above. The demands now being placed on the men in their lives to take responsibility for their own emotional states; to do what is required for them to grow and evolve and become; to step up to the plate and discover their own capacity for ‘being’ while, at the same time, continuing to be able to ‘do’, is a terrifying place for many men. It’s not that their not up to it – it’s that far too many don’t know how. In my books, that no longer cuts it for not engaging.
It also leaves us to ponder: who will we become if/when we can not know AND still be sure of ourselves; can be vulnerable AND still be connected to our strength; and can reveal our inner self AND still trust our confidence and competence to live meaningfully and well.
In order for men to become who they are capable of being as fully expressive and engaging life-forces, women must let go of them; must trust them to be able to take responsibility for themselves; and must lay claim to their own terror in doing so.
In order for women to become who they are capable of being as fully expressive and engaging life-forces, women must reclaim themselves. Whatever that takes and however that looks, for each of us as individuals. There is no cookie-cutter approach. Life is the one thing that each of us must make up every single day, and we must do it alone.
I am surrounded by amazing women! I am also surrounded by amazing men… many of whom have not yet figured out that they are just that – amazing! Both these women and men are often afraid of being different; of being hurt and of being left behind. The paradox is that I can think of no faster way to have that become a self-fulfilling prophecy than to curl in on ourselves. It is imperative that we unfold, head up and arms open wide, chest up and out, belly to the world, and trust that we’ll be just fine!
I stand by my choices and encourage you to stand by yours.
Breathing is good…
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