So as not to lose myself, there was a time when I had to become willing to lose the people I love.
There was a time when I walked away from my mother…and my brother….and my father….knowing that if I did not, I would die. Not just a death of the spirit but a death of the body. Self-destructive. Self-abusive. Filled with rage and vengence. Slowly rotting from the inside out. Having become toxic to myself.
I wept….I pleaded….I shared…and then I walked away. And I did not look back.
In those moments, without my even knowing, I had found inside the genius of who I am, the place to stand to trust the genius of who each of them was and is.
Things happened…..I grew…..they pulled and tugged and I held fast to that place inside myself…to stand tall and not apologize for who I was becoming.
And through it all, my mother found herself. And then my brother found himself. And my father, as I knew him to be inside himself, was lost to me.
Some find their way and that is their genius. Some continue to appear lost to us and yet in the genius of who they are, have found the way for them.
Who said that my life was destined to be without pain? The question I now ponder….what else might this pain help me to discover about myself? And what else lies ahead?
Breathing is good…..
As I read your blog, I can’t help but feel you wrote it for me. Although you did it for yourself, we’re on eachothers holodecks. Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve discovered that the term “family” has an awful lot attached to it that I don’t believe that I’m willing to drap around any longer.
Thanks Louise. I know that I’m not alone and your words confirmed that.
Amy
I know these people – intimately. Whatever happened to them?
JNorman
Jim! How do we get in touch with you? 🙂
L