Silence Inside

I’m noticing that things inside me have an ebb and flow. As much as there can be wave after wave of insight, discovery and new possibilities, I am also mindful that sometimes… and not always with warning… it all stops. Inside myself, I become aware of an immense stillness. The image that comes to mind is that of a tall-masted ship, sails sagging as it stands motionless on a sea of liquid silver under the full moon of a clear night sky,.

Inside the sea of potential that I am, all has been still.

But things are stirring. I can feel a breeze as I begin to capture new ideas… new possibilities. Paying attention not to what I have always done, or even what I think I should do, but much more to what calls to me to do. Noticing my willingness and ability to allow my future to emerge; and noticing also my willingness and ability to be led by it. Intellect aside, my need to ‘know’ suspended, the stillness is disturbed by my desire to grow.

Growth is a biological imperative. It is also my core value. If I woke up tomorrow and knew that I would never again grow, I would have no interest in being alive. For me, growth is what gives my life meaning.

I am growing – in leaps and bounds! I’m mindful that when that happens… inside me, where I live… I am not always adept at making my growth immediately accessible to others. I seem to need Space to allow myself to relish and rejoice in my own growth. I need to allow the Movement that accompanies that growth to first, transform me. Once I have absorbed it… digested it…become it!… then there is Space for me to share it with others and it begins to Flow through me and into the expression of who I am to become.

My life is changing. I am discovering that I need more and bigger Space in order for me to both trust and love who I am already becoming. The voice that speaks for the essence of my being, and the voice that speaks for the organic presence that I am, are no longer fighting. They have become still – inside, where I live.

Funny, isn’t it. When those voices are engaging with great flurry and intensity (which is when I might think that there would be chaos), nothing inside me moves. When those voices have found their path to becoming one and have ceased to move inside me, my world and my desire to be in it pick up speed and I am propelled forward, into my own life. It is just so freakin’ amazing!

And so, it begins. Things pouring out the ends of my fingers. New programs falling effortlessly into place. New retreats. More without structure and form. Vast, empty spaces of potential and possibility – and all I have to do is breathe, follow the impulse, let myself know the truth of my own experience… and ENGAGE!

I know my days in the program room for ITS and RIA are coming to an end. It is quite likely that my last time in the program room for these will be this July. It is time for me to create a much larger space for myself to expand into and, in so doing, create space for others to flow into.

I wonder if I’ll miss it. I know that the magic of ITS has always been in being witness to the Sacred that awakened, flowed and filled the room with the LifeForce that we all are. Impossible to ignore! In those moments, I could always remember who I am; and I could trust who I would become. I know that the journey will continue in the gentle presence of others who will follow – each to lead in her/his own way.

My future lies in working with women. It lies in the Women and WEL-Systems series; and in the Whispers from Within women’s writing retreat; and now, more than ever before, in the EmergingFutures retreats for women and leadership. My future is not out there, in front of me…it is already in here, rushing through and filling up every cell in the tissue of my being. With every breath I take, it has already become ‘real’.

Breathing is good…..