Sometimes, it just looks to me like things are falling apart.
How it starts seems to be connected in some way to the degree to which I believe I need to know. The greater my need to know, the more I find myself swamped in accurate but nonetheless essentially useless details. I know a lot – but I haven’t a clue about what’s meaningful.
In this moment, that’s where I am. I know that as strange as it may appear to anyone outside of me, my confusion and my uncertainty; my tendency to change my mind on a dime and my capacity to forget all the things that are not meaningful – even though they may be important or relevant to someone else – are all part of the way I find myself again.
A jumble of things inside me. Every now and then, one of them will pop to the surface so that I can get a good look at it. This event leaves me considering that maybe – just maybe – that’s ‘the one’. And before I take another breath, it’s gone again, sinking back into the murky muddle of murmurs and mumblings that are just below my collar bone. My ‘head’ is calm; my body is even calm but somewhere at a deeper level of mind, there is great activity taking place. Perhaps what I am ‘feeling’ are the rumblings in the field.
In a world that demands answers, all I have is a long list of muddled and intermingling interests. Many of them don’t seem at all connected to anything else. And even those things that stand comfortably alone seem to fade in and out of my awareness. They seem critical to me in one moment and then….poof!…just like that, they’re gone! They have faded into the background. Makes me crazy!
And then it occurs to me: maybe being ‘crazy’ is what it takes to disengage from the status quo. Or, at least, that’s what is often thought of those who do not live by the rules of the culture. Maybe seeming ‘different’ to others; appearing to not quite have all the ducks lined up, is what is required in order to make a leap instead of incremental change. For sure, from inside me (where I live), no matter how much my head tells me otherwise, my body won’t let me engage. Not until it’s time.
And that’s the tough part. Doing nothing. Letting go. Just what does it take to trust that – no matter what?
Breathing is good…
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