I begin with much appreciation for your enthusiastic willingness to be part of this journey with me. Many of you already know that those who step into our worlds are, in some way, a living expression of an as-yet unrecognized aspect of our own consciousness. I enter this journey with all of you with the recognition that what calls to me requires… and demands!…. that I engage a much bigger game, in some way. Your willingness and ability to trust that… without rules or frameworks or guideposts… that which moves inside you, will be your guide. As I share my thoughts with you, I ask that you share that which awakens within you, about you, as you allow those thoughts to enter your unique consciousness. From there, we will simply dance together for the coming 10 days! I just felt my little heart skip a beat…..
When I sold my house in June 2015, I mindfully chose to create the Space for my Self to unfurl and reveal its wanderings for the time to come. In that, I put aside to the end of 2016 to pay particular attention to what it would mean for me to ‘retire’ or ’semi-retire’; mindful that what has shaped my life for so long, no longer calls to my Soul. That moment; that nano-second of awareness has propelled me into a place of having not a clue. And in that, I know that I am exactly where I need to be.
I have lived the last 30 years of my life in the great trust that human beings could and would. I have chosen to trust that the higher-order intelligence that lives within us all, would awaken and take us into a world where giving and sourcing Life would be more appealing than taking it away. I trusted that if we had the invitation; if we were given the Space within which to unfold; if we had access to a reliable, specific process rather than just the hope or possibility, that we would engage it…. and move beyond the veil that separates us from our own godforce Creator truth. In this moment, after those 30 years, I cannot say that trust remains strong. As much as I continue to trust – without hesitation – that the process will take us where we need to go, I no longer trust that the Call from within can be heard by the masses. In a world shaped through collective consciousness, that leaves me troubled.
One thing that I learned long ago, is: all meaning is context dependent. Not some meaning, all of the time; or all meaning, some of the time. ALL meaning ALL of the time is context dependent. Context. The Great Crucible within which the processes of our presenting behaviours and outcomes, are held. The greater the context… the greater the Space… the more and varied ’knowing’ we are able to embrace as we consider it ALL the creation of our own mindful or hidden (even from ourselves) intent; and together, the creation of our shared realities. Sadly, so few have any thoughts about context.
Too often, invitations to know ‘context’ are so quickly dragged to the content level. And in that, Space is lost. As an example, consider all that we have come to know about so many threads in the tapestries of our lives (to name but a few):
Transhumanism
Chem trails
Nanotechnology
GMO’s
UFO’s
3D printing body parts
Paedophelia
Human trafficking
Nazi international
Banksters
Mind control technologies
Social Entrainment
Etc
Etc
Etc
For many, when confronted with such thoughts, they see content. When I look at all of those, I see the threads that weave a larger context. Clearly, Toto, we’re not in Kansas anymore.
We can long for Kansas. We can wait for it and hope for it’s return. We can reminisce. We can pretend that we never left Kansas. And yet, when we stop…. take a breath… and look around, the truth keeps smacking us in the face.
It hurts to think that we live in such a world. That we have created such a world. That we are capable of such creations! And yet, try as we might to look the other way and seek to redeem ourselves in the measures of our perceived greatness (advances in technology, space exploration, medical marvels, etc.), turning away changes nothing. The inevitability of a biosphere in massive and intensifying flux will have its day… and its way.
To me, such a recognition is not a ‘doom and gloom’ scenario. Its reclamation and ownership opens a gateway to a very different possibility. Denial of it all however, changes nothing… and keeps us on a path to our own untimely demise.
Can you tell that I do not carry great hope for this reality? Fortunately, I live in a world of multiple realities. The question becomes: which creation will I choose for mySelf? And in having so chosen, how will I live?
One reality – the so-called ‘visible’ one – tells us that with age comes wisdom. With the passage of time comes the opportunity to learn and to experience… and from that combination comes wisdom and (presumably) a greater context from which to experience our reality. In that formula, inner truth is tied to external engagements. I do not believe any of that to be necessary. I often wonder: even though this body has only known 66 years of experience, am I thus doomed to only 66 years of wisdom? Can I not allow mySelf to know deeply and directly, and bypass the requirement for the passage of time? It would mean that I would have to allow mySELF to ‘know’ things without the benefit of any rational explanation for their being known. And indeed, I know things.
I see things and always have. Not like the tidy and sequential images on a movie screen but more like pieces of projections on a veil, blowing in the wind. When I ’see’ those things, I know all that is connected to it and it shapes how I engage my world and all that moves through it.
I know things about what we call ‘history’ and about what we call ’the future’. For me, they all live in the ’now’. Knowing so fully that I am not my device; knowing that the I AM that I am is the Void and that its intelligence streams through so many spirals of the GCT (Great Cosmic Tit), I ‘know’ the truth… the inner truth… of so many ‘realities’. What I have come to trust for mySelf is that none of them matter. What does matter is my willingness to allow myself to be informed by my Self, and simply know them all. The rest just makes the telling of the story more interesting.
Imagine a world that lets go of its need to look back…. to capture the past in order to design a future….. and choose instead, to stand in the ’now’ and trust an inner truth that lives in all of us. Never mind what has been. Constantly seeking it and referring to it has led us to repeat it, with minor alterations. What our world demands of us goes far beyond increments of insight and is starved for leaps of great intent! Perhaps if we let go of our need to know what was, we can clear a much larger Space for what can become.
For a long time…. for close to 30 years…. I have found great personal discovery and joy and delight in sharing what I have discovered with others; in the hope that they would discover more of their Self, for themselves. That great trust made it possible for me to engage…. over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again, etc….. with so many, trusting that it would make a difference. Through that time, so many of those with whom I engaged had lived lives of horrific violence and cruelty, of betrayal from those expected to protect, of hopelessness and despair. Of those vast numbers, patterns were impossible to avoid. And of those, many reclaimed their lives. For that, I am grateful to their vision, courage and determination. And yet, still, so many did so only at the Environment/Behaviour level, leaving untouched the larger context within which they held ‘realty’. And so, with the passage of time (there it is again), their lives dwindled into some version of what they had once been. The search for the ‘magic bullet’ continued, unabated by any recognition of a higher-order exploration The fall back to the ‘real’ world would then reclaim its next victim.
For more than 30 years, I have tracked the other-than-‘real’-world. The world of the weird and wonderful. The world of a context for Being that makes room for us to be FUCKING MAGNIFICENT!!! The world that calls the lies and betrayals of our innate genius, exactly what they are. During that time, I have been with/listened to/watched so many as they twisted in the winds of their own external referencing, waiting for some ‘authority figure’ to give them permission to trust the truth of their inner knowing. So fascinating to me the degree to which language and its flow from the mouth of one perceived to be ‘in authority’… in the ‘official know’…. can slice through the core of our own potential and propel us to betray ourSelves. Over and over and over and over and over etc. again. Betrayed. By ourselves. Eyes and ears slammed shut to our own inner truth. Leaving us twisting once again, in the winds from the fowl breath of some purported authority figure. Perhaps, one day, we will find a way to trust ourselves.
Last night, I shared the following in an exchange with a friend:
“It is as if I am standing in front of a mirror; knowing that an entire world lives behind it’s reflected image. To touch it (that world), I need to learn how to NOT be so mesmerized by my reflection…. that I might see through. “
Seeing through what is. Seeing beyond the veil of the illusion of what is. What I know for myself, from mySelf, is that it is all its own movie… and I can either be mesmerized by watching it or I can create anew.
Where does this all take me?
As I look back, I know the requirements of a physical ‘reality’ of which I have long been a part.
* Grow up; get an education; get a job; find a mate; bear children; teach those children to grow up, get an education, get a job, find a mate, bear children…. and repeat.
* Consume! Buy stuff. Get stuff. And when required, get debt so we can buy more stuff and get more stuff…..
* Slave away! To pay for the debt that is required to get the stuff, we will need to ‘earn’ to free ourselves of the debt.
* Cycle and repeat.
In my own words, I see the embedded process for slavery of a kind that I may not easily notice.
Were I to peel away that layer of ‘reality’, what would I find? There was once a time when what awaited me would be half a year in Kona… the place of my creation and sustaining. In the other months, I would travel and know the great feast of the worlds of others.
I would know my sons and their creations. They fill every day of my existence with humour; sharing their worlds with me in a way that always makes room for me. I am blessed.
And today, what I am mindful of is that the greatest context of all – that of Gaia and the biosphere which supports our very existence in this physical reality – is in massive, rapid and sustained chaotic expression. Not chaotic for Her.. but very much so, for us. In my decades of following these changes, there are now far more who hold that there is no turning back; and there is nothing we can do to mitigate any of it. In fact, that is not true for some… and it will be true for the masses.
As an unfolding context; as a context that is revealing itself through many and varied changed perspectives, what does all this mean? What lives on the other side of the mirror, as I see past the reflection of what is? How does that translate to a life lived, from one day to the next?
At the last CMC Certification Intensive in May, we explored ‘death’ and what it meant as a nominalization. Death as an opening instead of a closing. Death as the start of a new possibility rather than the end of an existing one. I consider death as a Great Call to more of me rather than the termination of me. A return to the Void for integration of the wisdom of having lived, that I might know living, differently. Does this call become louder/stronger/more invitational in now holding that view of death? Does/can death become simply a wise choice in the face of knowing that the current reflection in the mirror is an illusion? Indeed, I am here and not ‘in there’. Where else might that be a truth, in my experience of living?
Yes, there is always more that I can do/be.
Yes, I can find meaning in anything if I look for it.
Yes, I can look on the bright side; turn the other cheek; think of my children; note where the sun is shining instead of where the land is flooding and people are ‘dying’.
In truth, I have no interest in any of that. Why? Because I know something lives behind the reflection in the mirror… and its call intensifies.
For now, that is where the I AM that I am, lives.
It is not good/bad, right/wrong – it simply is.
Louise
Good Morning,
For so much of my time in this body I have been a slave to the external. Pandering to the expectations and approval of teachers, parents, coaches, bosses, systems, cultural “rules”. I dimmed my light, my fire to make sure those around me shone brightly. There were times I thought I was doing that because I was the “nicest” person I’d ever met but the truth was it was a survival strategy that I mastered long before I could walk.
I can now look back and see the impact this strategy had on my life – in order to stay small I had to dampen my fire with too much food, too much alcohol, too much sarcasm, too much pushing resulting in burn out (physical and emotional). I can see the infinite number of times I gave myself away in order to be liked, to be approved of, to be validated as a human being.
Makes me mad right now thinking about that. Mad and sad both. I was always so much more than that – I just didn’t know how to connect to myself. I did not know how powerful I was and how my internal guidance was so much more potent and true than anything I got externally.
In this moment I realize that I have some self-forgiving to do, some letting go. As I stand in a much different place in my life, a place where internal cues are what lead me I feel like I ripped myself off for so long. The interesting part for me is to wonder what my life would have been like if I had not been so externally focused. Would I have still been at the top of my class, the captain of the teams, the employee of the year? Or would I have been like Jane Goodall and followed my burning passion despite all the obstacles until I accomplished the seemingly impossible. Well the good news for me right now is that the second option is still open. As I find myself more and more listening deeply I am led down paths I did not know existed. I am once again a student of the world, a student of my own life.
No longer is my deep love for animals, for children and the planet something I need to soften for others, it is who I am. No longer is my intellect and bright mind the centre of my universe and my way to connect, it is just a bonus, assisting me in my daily life as I lead from another, richer place.
This is huge for me, this understanding that I am coming too right now, in this very second. This feels like a marker point in my own evolution. I am no longer willing to give myself away, tone it down, dampen the fire. Fuck that. If I have the fire it is mine. Those that are not ready for me will scuttle away, those that are ready to dance will show up. I am ok with all of that.
I know my time in this body is limited. It always has been. It just happens that the timeline has been accelerated by a collective that has chosen economic growth over everything else. I have come to accept this and this acceptance is actually a brilliant place to be. It allows me to love like I never have, to connect more deeply and to feel waves of gratitude that sweep me off my feet. It has also opened me up to myself, to my intuition, to my deeper intelligence. I have been watching as I choose myself first, choose what I know to be true over what culture deems to be right. I am blessed to have a partner who lives this way too so I never feel alone in expressing myself this way. I am not sure it would be this easy for me without her.
I continue to let go more and more each day. Letting go of “stuff” that clutters my space, letting go of relationships that don’t feed me, letting go of conversations that bore me to tears. I am also letting go of the conditioned expectations – get a job, own a house, contribute to the economy and instead I find I want to contribute to the forest as I sit and quietly speak to the majestic trees, contribute to the soil as I create rich compost, contribute to the animals as I do what I can to be their voice. In all of this I grow, I get bigger, I fill my body and beyond.
I will choose to not look back and wonder what could have been because I am so damn happy that I can even see that I am not like I was. That means I am not that. This is a good thing. I will start from here and allow this new way of being to grow. What a wonderful way to start the day.
Thanks,
Deb
On a deep visceral, intuitive soul level, I know we are living in end times. My head doesn’t know exactly what that means, yet my heart intimately knows the sacredness of every moment—more now than ever. My time here is short. That’s the no-compromise deal I made with my birth into this world. Only now, it feels very different than what I thought it could be even a few years ago. Living fully now has always been my modus operandi. Now however, there’s a deeper feeling of urgency. As Louise wrote in a recent email exchange:
“Things are moving very, very fast in our world… and will only accelerate. Second guessing ourSelves is a luxury we can no longer afford. The gap ….. the passage of time… between the impulse and the willingness to act will become increasingly small.”
As we prepare for our whirlwind move away from the coast, I see the triviality of what I was still holding onto. Despite living a minimalist life already, there was still more to purge. Photo albums, documents, memories of the past…no longer important. Time to let go. Almost 53 years of life condensed down to a few small boxes. As I sorted through it all, I realized that the essence of these memories live forever in my heart. These memories are a testament to who I am now. What once was is no more, yet it shapes who I am. No photograph, document or physical reminder is more powerful than this.
In the remaining boxes are the highlight reel of my life; the warmest memories of my childhood and memories of my parents and grandparents who are no longer physically with me. Pivotal moments. Moments that catalyzed change, and moments of extraordinary fun that remind me of how I got to where I am today. Simple reminders. The rest doesn’t matter. It’s come and gone and has long since been assimilated into who I now am.
And so I let go. I let go. I let go.
My inner truth aligns with life. I am passionate about life. I choose vegan to choose life. I choose simplicity to choose life. I choose meaning, purpose, compassion and love to choose life. This lives inside of me. The call is loud and clear for me to choose life. The bulk of the world chooses otherwise. They choose consumption, destruction, and separation from the soul of the earth…and their Selves. I will never understand this. And so I let go of trying to understand.
I know the truth of life that lives inside of me. When I need to bear witness to this truth outside of me, I don’t look to my own species for they have forgotten. I look to the trees, the rivers, the birds, the insects, the animals in my life, the fish, pigs, chickens, turkeys, cows…the animals commoditized by our culture. Even they have not separated from this truth despite their ruthless brutalization by homo sapien.
Animals and nature don’t lie to appease others. They don’t suppress who they are to conform to a dysfunctional culture. They don’t edit their grief, pain, joy, elation…all of who they are for fear of judgement. They don’t reason or rationalize the voracious consumption and ruthless destruction of every form of life on this planet. They don’t worry about the illusion of a future that may never come. They’re not addicted to and distracted by a technological madness that is so far removed from life. They are who they are in the full on glory of their treeness, birdness, dogness, catness, chickeness, pigness, turkeyness, cowness.
As my world gets smaller with connections to homo sapiens, it expands with the force of life. I choose very carefully who I engage with. I have few attachments anymore: to relationships, to stuff, to how I’m perceived in the world, even to the world itself. I’ve let go of this world and in letting go, I find my love for life has expanded beyond my wildest dreams. I find myself more present and more open for whatever I’m meant to do and wherever I’m meant to be next.
I choose to not participate in man’s (and the culturally emasculated women of today) domination of animals and the natural world. I choose to bear witness to the collapse without collapsing in it.
When I feel myself falling into despair, I sit in the trees. They remind me to not sweat the small stuff. Just be. Just live. Just love. Just serve this world in a way that’s life-affirming and meaningful—regardless of the outcome. Make a difference. Serve Gaea by aligning with my essence and living fully from there.
My musings for now…
Love,
Deb
I woke this morning and asked how committed am I to my own life, my evolution? To really make the changes. To really walk my talk and bring my full expression here.
I saw this 10 day writing experience about a week ago – and my response was …been there done that. And yet it continued to nag at me. Today I awoke from a sleepless night of stirring, not restless with agitation – yet a night of stirring. A deep stirring that my attention could no longer ignore…a small yet might voice from within said – be visible in your becoming. BE your messy beautiful! and so these words flow unto the page unedited tonight.
May I stop, May I listen, May I once again hear the deep call within,
The inner clap of Thunder awakens from within as the light that I am dances and descends from the void to the body – my device,
This thunder starts at my feet, rumbling and quaking through my bones, coursing through my veins, awakening the dormant tissue, activating more of my DNA.
I continue to choose to be here, I chose to show up, I choose to be in the unknown.To invite and allow my illusions to shatter. It is not a process from the intellect. Yet one of a deep inquiry and hunger from within. It is this hunger that wakes me in the middle of the night, with a full body recognition of sensations that I am alive…with the anticipation of excitement and other times the bone chilling reality of truth dispelling the illusions.
I stop, I listen, I am once again fall to my knees and hear the the great call from the I AM that I AM.
And I actively take notice, notice to the unsaid, the unseen, the moments when people speak, when they are silent. I notice what comes out of my mouth and when I am dancing around the edges.
I see, hear and sense when the undercurrent of collusion is alive and well. I use to get lost in it – NO more – profoundly awake in what I see, know and hear; profoundly willing and able to speak to what is meaningful and to breathe through the uncomfortable silence. I invite this process moment to moment allowing the shattered illusions to simply fall into the ashes.
I committed to this earth walk knowing full well it would require a deep sense of raw rugged authenticity, steeped in the grace of truth and vulnerability. I knew this earth walk would require a reclamation of my Wholeness. It would demand being internally referenced. There would be times when I’d forget my capacity, my magnificence and would become steeped in a process of indoctrinated amnesia.
I knew that I’d be at a loss for words. I’d have profound moments of being baffled, I’d wail for the earth and the awakening of consciousness would be relentless. It is like birth. It is the birth of a new emerging species. It is no accident that this birth would come in the throws of human chaos, system collapse and where the polar opposites would feel more distant than ever. I knew there would be intense periods of anger and confusion erupting like volcanoes… and I would weep at the bodies of dying fish, I’d shake my head at the accelerated destruction of the forests, pollution of the oceans, the dumb ass comments that come out of the walking dead and I’d cringed and sometimes vomit at the abuse of animals, women and children…wonder why I ever came. I knew I would see the beauty and I’d see the death. I would live the beauty and I’d live through the deaths. I’d lose my breath and would weep in broad daylight for the state of our collective consciousness and world visible for all to see. That was the truth of my experience today.
I knew it would be through my dance, my words, chants, and awakened presence that people would begin to awaken.It would demand as much courage as it did to speak and to unsilence myself to watch those choosing to turn away from the awakening from within and back into the cultural hum lost in the downward spiral of destruction. It would take great courage in the now, in this moment, to let go, and remember my intention for being here. When I walk with wobbling legs as I did today, reclaiming safety inside, speaking my truth so I could hear myself. I know it as all part of the Rise from the Ashes for no outcome, to simply be in the truth of it all, in the becoming… with full trust in the unknown.
Dancin’ Nance