Recently, I had the great joy and privilege of attending the wedding of my first-born son.
They were engaged in the summer of 2015. Little did I know that I would spend the following months in the grip of frequent episodes of tears… welling up from somewhere so deep within me, I could not recognize the source. It was a puzzle for me, since I felt such joy that these two loving, caring and committed young people were choosing to take this next step.
As I sat in a beautiful venue, in the good company of about 100 others who, clearly, were equally delighted to be part of and bear witness to this magical day, I could feel those tears welling up; forming somewhere beyond any place I could identify…. that now-familiar mix of light and heavy….familiar and known, yet elusive and hidden.
That magical day eventually faded into a restless sleep. The next morning, when I awoke, I felt the tears on my face.
And in that moment, I knew. In that moment, I had the words.
In this union, the joy… the dream, the hope… is palpable. In the midst of that gathering in celebration, I was struck by the great strength of commitment that the young people gathered held for each other. It was both said and unsaid: any one of them could call upon the other for assistance – at any time of the day or night – and without question, it would be given. The deep connection in this collective of choice… this Ohana… was palpable. Family. Friends. Friends of family. Children of siblings, now grown, equally present and engaging. Laughter! Men and women in tears of joy. Bread broken and words spoken. Hugs shared, all ‘round. Ex’s and past loves, all in unison and at peace, in the shared intention of bearing witness to this act of choice, to co-create a meaningful Life, together.
Nothing was done without great care and consideration. Yes, of course, the venue/food/decor were sublime. But beyond that, the choices were evidence of strong, deep and extended roots. My long-time friend – who was there as my sons were growing up – officiated at the wedding ceremony. The divorced spouses and new partners stood with each other and shared in the great intention that was unfolding. Colleagues and brothers-in-arms stood as groomsmen and cherished guests, evident in their commitment to each other in good times and in bad.
The depth of caring in that room was profoundly moving and, sometimes, felt like one could reach out and touch… holding something so precious in the palm of your hand.
And therein, lives the great joy.
Interwoven with that great joy was an acute awareness of the world in which we are living. The rapidly changing and, in my view, decaying context for our very existence. Degradation of the essential biosphere that supports life for us all. The impact this change is having on the human condition, in both body and mind. The increasing density and intensity… the increasing pressure…. that is becoming evident as people seek to live a ‘normal’ life under the most pressing of circumstances that are fast becoming more evident… and more present… in daily life.
I remember getting married oh-so-long-ago, in the early ’70’s. Then, we were oblivious to what we were doing to the planet. The context within which my life would unfold never went beyond my economic circumstances as constraint or support for the choices that I would make. Today, such innocence is no longer viable as a platform for selection. Today, we must be aware of far greater frameworks that not only affect but profoundly define our very ability to exist.
My children – and yours – are wading into dark and turbulent waters. Who we have been and how we have navigated those waters will no longer be enough.
In the past, we learned to rely on our intellect; on our ability to know and understand and figure ’stuff’ out. We were taught to ignore our instincts… our inner cues and directives…. in favour of reason and logic as the determining factors in the process of selection for a meaningful life. That is no longer enough.
In the past, we learned to expand and celebrate our ability to ‘do stuff’ and to ‘make stuff’. In that great process, we invented things and found ways to have those inventions travel the world and transform economies and cultures. We stood in amazement at our own ability to follow curiosity wherever it might lead. That is no longer enough.
In the past, we defined ‘winning’ as the prize. We pushed aside the nagging inner cues in favour of the outer rewards of staying that course and reaching the purported pinnacle, first. That is no longer enough.
We know how to perform, command and conform. We know how to fight and overcome and impose. We know how to outmanoeuvre and outwit what we consider to be an opponent – worthy or otherwise. We know how to take care of ourselves and ‘our own’, whatever the cost might be.
And none of that is, any longer, enough.
In the great, great joy I know for my precious son and his beautiful bride, lurking at the edges of my awareness is the deep dread that we – as a species, to the person – will not know how to grow into grace.
We will not know soon enough or fast enough how to allow the way it has been – the way we have been, as a species – to fall away and clear space for something new, yet profoundly ancient, to awaken and arise from deep within ourselves; to recognize that in our long and laden slumber, we have lost ourselves.
Will we know how to turn our attention from ‘out there’ to ‘in here’… where the faint yet unrelenting voice continues to call to us; to get our attention; to take the lead in what we consider ‘intelligence’ and the outcomes that it shapes?
Will we know how to raise our heads and look up – to our own potential, both individual and collective – to how it can be rather than rage against what we think it is?
Will we find a way to finally move beyond our seemingly-genetic and fallacious need to destroy… to be dominant; our need to control and define how another lives, when what is needed is to discover how to reclaim the birthright of the wholeness of our being that we might live at peace within ourselves and with each other?
In this moment, I don’t know. And in this moment of naming it, the sense of dread has lifted and I can now recognize and own my inner turmoil.
Will I allow myself to become large enough to hold two seemingly opposing thoughts in my awareness at the same time? If not, my need to simplify and quiet the disturbance, will lead me to jettison the dangerous consideration so that I might return to the status quo. The alternative will require of me that I become more than I already am; that I trust the chaos and the inner conflict as expressions of some genius; and, from there, move beyond that status quo that holds me captive to a reality defined by others.
I do not know what the future holds for me, let alone for anyone else. I can however, see clearly what is unfolding in the present, from one day to the next. As each tomorrow fades into yesterday, some things remain the same: the uncertainty; the increasing density and intensity of the crumbling world around me; the increasing manifestation of events and forces that wreak havoc and destruction upon the lives of hundreds of millions…. even billions… of living species in my world.
There are hundreds of far more eloquent voices and knowledgeable sources that can speak to the details of these experiences in our shared reality. Perhaps it is not in the information itself, but the willing or unwilling casting of our gaze that determines what constitutes – for each of us – our unique reality.
I know that my son and daughter-in-law share an abundance of love, commitment and intention. I also know they have chosen wisely and have surrounded themselves with a community of choice – an Ohana – of strong, courageous and willing participants in their shared and preferred reality. These are a community of warriors – a community of young men and women in both military and para-military organizations – who know well what it is to take a stand; who have the individual courage and fortitude, and the collective trust, to do so. And as much as I know that brings comfort, I also know: it is no longer enough.
Grace. The dictionary fails me miserably in presenting a description that captures what I feel so intensely in my body is an essential requirement for a livable future. The best I could find is: to do honour or credit to (someone or something) by one’s very presence. That’s part of it – and it is not enough.
Grace. The inner state of willingness and ability to source, support and nurture Life. All Life, in all its forms, at whatever level of expression it claims for itself. Animals. Plants. Creatures of the vast oceans that are the planet. The atmosphere that keeps us alive – the air we breathe and the skies to which we awaken and fall asleep, every single day of our existence.
Grace. The recognition that we cannot change what we do until we claim who we are; and reclaim who we might become.
Grace. How I long for a world where we all, as a species, come to know grace within ourselves. A world where we stop fighting against how it is and instead, turn our gaze to how it can be… how we each can be…. when we choose to redirect our attention. And perhaps there, is my greatest and deepest dread and sorrow: it really is that simple. The fight is of our own invention; of our own creation. We are seduced and mesmerized by its perceived rewards. We already know there are other ways for us to be. It is not ignorance that allows us to hold to the status quo – it is our commitment to the little value we place on grace.
In my world, I continue to celebrate the joyous moments and, at that very same time, am unwilling to be blind to great and present danger that is already unfolding into the lives of so many young people that I cherish. And as much as I know they are up for the fight, I also know that the fight is a choice. The fight lives as a legacy of the past – and the future beckons from the grace that waits for each of us to awaken, within ourselves. It is not the ‘out there’ that matters – it is what lives within.
I am hopeful – and I am no fool. I know that without the willingness and ability to trust our unique and individual inner cues, we will be swallowed up by a mindless collective that feeds off its ability to ‘do’ and ‘be’ because others are doing and being. Hostages to the processes that have shaped us; bonded to the shapers who have defined us; and deceived and betrayed by a reality that no longer sustains Life.
Like my son’s wedding day: it is a powerful moment of choice and commitment, and one of direction and vision. It is in a moment of grace, as a hiatus from the status quo, that we can choose to become.
Growing into grace can and will change us all.
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