I call this one ‘get out of jail free’, because there isn’t a jail big enough to constrain a GodForce. It’s about being easy on yourself and thinking easy.
“Don’t be so hard on yourself.” I’ve heard this just in the last month from three separate people with whom I deeply respect. So by the third person it was enough for me to look at what this means exactly. It’s interesting because there’s nobody in my head governing the way I talk to myself- it’s only me. And really I can be as nice or as mean as I’d like, and nobody can really know or say anything… until they call me out in conversation. lol And I am so grateful they did- I really am only as evolved as the people I surround myself with.
I know the way that I think is learned behaviour- the voice in my head is a reflection of those that raised me. So I start to get curious about what is it that I’m saying exactly (what’s “installed into my bio-computer”) and is it really working for me? Kind of like the authority figure that wakes up from a long snooze and says, “alright, alright, what is going on in here?!?!?!”
I’ve been trained to look at myself through a narcissistic lens. High expectations, never enough, heavy criticism, perfectionism, blaming myself, gaslighting myself, unforgiving, bullying- straight up self abuse. It explains why I kept attracting narcissists onto my holodeck, they were only reflecting the disrespect I was harbouring inside. On one hand it’s pushed me to accomplish amazing things, and on the other it’s made me miserable along the way and unable to celebrate any of it.
The belief that ran the program is if I’m not hard on myself, nothing will ever get done and I won’t learn. But the irony is, at its worst, I’ll put on the breaks because the pressure is so stressful that all I want to do is hide. And when I’m operating on high alert, activating high beta brainwaves, I literally, physically cannot learn. So while the belief may be well intended, this way of being is NOT working for me.
So as consciousness observing my programs and choosing agency over my mind, what would it be to be easy on myself? The question alone opens up a space for my true authentic self to emerge. It also creates a shift from patriarchy to matriarchy. As consciousness, I now choose to create an internal environment that allows for rest and relaxation. I choose to feel supported and free, honoured, listened to and respected. I choose to be patient with myself and forgiving of mistakes I’ve made. I choose to begin thinking easy. Let me expand on this one.
A couple days pass and I’m feeling pretty good with myself, though something about it doesn’t yet feel complete. Then there’s a party on the roof of my building- crazy loud music they could have been inside of my apartment- until 3am. I’d already not been feeling well and was sleep deprived, so now I’m completely tortured. The easy solution- leave, get a hotel room, treat myself. What I really wanted was a good nights sleep anyways, but I wouldn’t even entertain the idea of leaving. I was trapped inside of a box of my own self-righteous beliefs around how I was going to get what I wanted. I was close-minded, inflexible to alternatives, attached to my own limitations and the story around the added expense of getting a hotel room and that I shouldn’t have to leave my apartment- and my inability to control the situation. In the end, my stubbornness kept me stuck and miserable in my situation. And the next day was complete shit too lol
I’ve been so trapped and attached to my own constructs as truth. Determined to live life according to my own views and perspectives. How I am expected to conduct myself and how do I win? How do I do this “right”? Constantly looking down to my programs as references. And then being very hard on myself and others as a result. I’ve been well trained by society to believe that I don’t have a choice. That I have to do things the only way that I know how because my core identity and model of the world is fixed. We’ve all heard people say “this is who I am and I can’t change.” But when I’m making the same choices from old installed belief systems, isn’t this like taking the past and throwing it in front of me ‘hoping’ that I create something new, but really hitting a glass ceiling and destined to only go as far as I’ve been trained to believe that I can. If I’m only accessing the information that I already have, how am I ever going to generate new results? For example, feeling stuck and miserable in an apartment that I don’t want to be in because I’m unwilling to entertain a new concept- getting myself a hotel room for the night.
I would equate this to thinking hard. The struggle of trying to find a solution from what we already know. Thinking hard comes from survival, fear, limitation, scarcity, punishment, anger and close mindedness. It is a military approach of no excuses, hard work, and no breaks allowed. Keep your head down and keep going. If I made a commitment, I can’t change my mind- I have to suffer through the consequences- I made my bed, now lay in it. It’s an unwillingness to move past what’s expected of me in favour of hearing and considering what I truly want. It’s choice point down and it’s a prison that I mostly unknowingly, voluntarily choose every time I’m unwilling to consider another way of being in the world.
So when a situation feels ‘hard- I’m having a ‘hard night,’ I can ask myself- how am I making life hard for myself? What am I choosing to do that I don’t want to do but I’m convincing myself that I don’t have a choice? What am I saying to myself that limits any potential and possibilities in my life? What am I not allowing myself to say? What commitments am I sticking to because I’m not allowing myself to change my mind? What boundaries do I need to exercise to respect myself? Am I prioritizing others first as a strategy based in fear? Awareness is the key to get out of jail free!
And once I’m out, I need to do things differently to generate different results. To liberate myself from this torture and repetitive wheel of karma is to invite in ease, flexibility and flow. To take a deep breath, relax and choose choice point up. I can be clear and uncompromising about what I want, though willing to explore alternative ways to get me there. Looking for and seeing the unseeable. Envisioning and anticipating a future by design instead of one that unfolds by habit and default. I’m not stuck in a box of the pre-programmed beliefs and limitations of my past when I choose to connect to the truth of the creative force that I Am. It’s a willingness to change and do things differently.
Asking myself, what am I not seeing that would be useful in my own life? What else is possible here? Who else do I know that can help me? What can I do differently that will get me what I want? Be willing to see and feel things differently to create alternative solutions and maintain a curiosity about other potentials and possibilities.
And it’s not compromising what I want. This is what typically made me inflexible because if I’m not getting what I want the way that I want it then I’m presupposing that it’s going to be worse or less than, a sacrifice. But when I’m not creating from scarcity then I Trust myself to generate an outcome rich and flowing with all of life’s possibilities. In this upward movement into my True Emerging Authentic Self, there is a relaxed lightness knowing that I Am Consciousness and connected with all of Consciousness. The more that I surrender the density of the past, the lighter I become and the quicker my creations manifest.
Leave a Reply