I sit here, coffee in hand, ready for my day to start. Another full day of editing the recorded material from my last ‘Decloaking’ experience in the program room. I expect to complete the editing and move on to track and production details by the end of this week. But then, I said that last week – and life took a few turns of its own, redirecting and redesigning my outcomes. I’m ok with that – it really does all unfold as it should.
So, that’s what’s in the front of my mind. In the back of my mind, there is this strange soup swirling and bubbling about; bits and pieces of a dozen things bumping into and up against each other; strange, unrecognizable chunks forming as they coagulate into new offerings for me to ponder about : shall I taste them or not?????
These days, I draw upon ‘the old days’ when I spent much of my time entertaining and creating elegant meals to be shared with friends and family. I am quite adept at following a recipe (even if I do allow myself a few creative moments!) and producing an excellent outcome to be enjoyed by so many. However, my sense in this moment is one of being the concoctor (is that a word?) of some unidentified delight, fully confident of the ingredients and my ability to work with them, and yet completely unaware of what the final product will be. I just keep tossing and stirring….
I know that the coming months will be filled with bringing some things to closure, making room for new things in 2009. I also know that doing this leaves me with a sense of preparing in some way…. like pulling back on an elastic to build the required tension to launch and propel forward when the time is right. This is the time of crossing the ‘T’s and dotting the ‘I’s. Letting things go. Disconnecting in some way to what has been that there might be momentum for what is to come.
I’m noticing things… like the increasing intensity in Gaia’s expressions (duh…. you’d have to be in a coma to miss that one!); like the frequency with which airplanes are experiencing problems; like this perpetually broadening chasm between who we are as human beings and the caricatures of being human. It feels like a frenzy of activity without any clear sense of intention or direction. Movement for its own sake, without any direction to shape its outcome.
And so, it’s time. Time to get back to editing. Time to identify all that will be complete by the end of 2008. Time to let go and marvel at Sheila and Amy and others as they decloak and choose to move forward. Time to honor the old and let go of the old, and welcome and embrace what moves toward me.
Who knows what my future holds? My body knows… and all I need to do is engage as it presents.
Breathing is good…
I am moved to tears as I read this; I know about endings… lots of them… when I know, intuitively, that the completion at hand, whatever and however that is, is imperative to my forward movement, yet it feels like saying adios to part of an original dream.
I have had so many partings to so many dreams; parting may be an ending for me and a new beginning for another… and it may be the ultimate completion for all, as we leave or are left behind (yet again, an illusion).
I heard an expression, yesterday, that, ‘If one hesitates, one is lost’. I think the hesitation derives in the fire of not knowing all the stuff that I do not know, and can’t even consider… and it is all potential. If I move away from my own fire, then I look to abandon my own field of all that I am, yet do not yet know… as if to remove my own GodForce from myself and think that I can still stay alive. The loss only shows up when I lose myself… and, even that is my illusion.
Those chains that I think that I have around my neck are the links of my misconception, my fantasy turned real. The mirth in all of it, when I take a different look, is that the links are really loose; I just have to notice and lift them up and over my head.
I get to make my own dream, so… which one am I living right now? And do I take the time to reshape those links into the bits and pieces of the infinite field from which I pull to create my vision even before it coagulates into form? Or, do I remove my chains and mindlessly rewire them into another configuration/location that looks different, yet is exactly the same, thus putting them back down over my head and around my neck, to hesitate and lose again. My illusion is my reality.
Even the illusion of ‘no’ meaning ‘no’ when it really means ‘yes’, every step of the way to an, as yet, unrealized, but known/imagined destination/outcome – is a directional signal within the realm of my reality made manifest.
Sheila.