My life has been profoundly and forever changed by the recent passing of my father. Being at my Dad’s beside for 40 hours as he chose to journey from a being of Light in matter, to one of Light, free from the constraints of tissue, was a significant and life-altering experience for me.
Throughout the process of loosening the grip of the body that he was, on the Spirit that he now is, there were heart-stopping moments as he sought to relax into the struggle of tissue seeking to hold its ground; letting the moments pass, without fighting back.. and knowing that the time would come.
As I sat with and talked to my Dad; as I watched this most sacred of dances unfold, the word that kept coming to mind was the word ‘impeccable’. For me, there are so many associations of that word to notions of ‘perfectionism’ or ‘rigor’, as requirements for impeccability to be claimed and expressed. Yet, as I watched my Dad, that is not what came to mind for me.
What I witnessed was, for me, a new and very different way to consider impeccability. What came to mind, as I sat with him, was more the recognition of my need to be impeccable with myself; to ensure an expression of a consistent self-truth, inside myself and outside to others (to my Mom, my brother, the nursing staff who tenderly and with great RIG attended to my Dad’s comfort, the Doctors on call… interestingly enough, all women). I began to notice the absolute requirement that I not lie to or about myself, to myself or another.
The moments were what they were; and I was authentically myself, from one breath to the next. I don’t remember any other more agonizing, reassuring, joyous, painful moments than those that unfolded over those two days. No more lies or ‘niceties’ – to my Dad, to myself or to anyone else who came into the room. No more seeking to ‘gloss over’ or ‘pretty up’ the picture that was unfolding before my eyes. No more denying the raw, visceral and magical journey that was unfurling itself as I watched; acknowledging in each moment, my fear… my great sense of magic and of the Sacred… my sense of being unsure, unprepared, unwilling… and yet, knowing myself to be in the perfect moment. And I knew all this to also be true of my Dad.
There were moments when it was simple and the mundane wall-clock ticked off the minutes as they passed. My father seemed peaceful and at ease. And then there were other moments… moments when it felt that he had become my child . In his uncertainty, his eyes would lock into mine, unable to speak or gesture in any way, and yet speaking volumes of the moment that he was in. In those moments, he sought reassurance and the encouragement to continue. Everything in me wanted to make it stop.. .make it go away… and instead, we stayed where we were and we kept moving forward, each of us in our own way, and yet together. Tears would flow, mine and his, and we would continue. A profoundly moving experience.
“Life never prepares you for how you will feel when someone that you love and have never lived in a world without is gone. No matter how young or old you are, you have lost your Dad . I am so sorry.” This text from a loving family member was received within hours of my Dad’s passing. Her thoughtfulness gave me both the encouragement and the permission to own the depth of my sense of loss.
Amazingly, at the age of 62, this was the first time I had been present as someone chose to leave this world. It was a truly sacred time, in a way that I could never have imagined or planned. After Dad died, things went into overdrive and moved at mach speed; and now, it is as if it is all in slow-motion. Nothing feels ‘real’ – and all is a bit surreal in its memories and impacts. I know I am different because of it all; and am somehow more awake than I have been in years! Just goes to prove: in all experience, there is the seed of a greater possibility.
Impeccability. As I lived this time in my life, I know without hesitation that impeccability is the essential element of the dynamic tension that manifestation demands.
Impeccability. The consistent, unwavering and uncompromising reclamation and expression of self-truth. No more lying to or about myself, to myself or another, for any reason.
In the work that I do, given the world in which I live and that surrounds all that I create, say and am, it is sometimes easier, ‘wiser’, less of a challenge to myself and others, to surrender my impeccability. To go along to get along. To water down, ‘dumb down’, pull back on, ease up on… call it what you will!… the full expression of the unwavering truth of who I know myself to be. With that, I am done… just as done as the Spirit that my Dad is, is done with the body.
Manifestation – of a different thought, a different day, a different life and/or a different world! – doesn’t just require but DEMANDS impeccability! Without this relentless pursuit of our own full and authentic expression of being, we fall short of manifesting what we desire, leaving us lamenting what is and longing for what might have been.
I am changed. As such, all around me is changing and will continue to change. Impeccability, beginning first with me, is once again in flow. I know the force of this flow when engaged in the good company of others. Without it, life takes on the quality of being flaccid… like constantly pushing string; or the miserable goal of constantly squeezing ourselves into the ever-decreasing space within which we are willing and able to be our Selves. No more.
My life, as a full expression of the impeccability that is my birthright, begins today. When my Dad left, leaving me the opportunity to be with him as he did so, my freedom to BE returned. Thanks, Dad… I am awake!
Leave a Reply